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Rhymes 

Roughly 
Rendered 

And 

$ Other Scraps $ 

By 

T. J. CaLiTipbell 

Austin, Texa.s ''..,. 



A. C. B&ldwin ®. Sons, Printers, Austin 
Copyrighted. 



THE LIBRARY <#F 
CONGRESS, 

Two Copies Receiveo 

APR. 30 1902 

OOPYRI«MT ENTRY 

CLA88 c^XXa No, 
COPY B. 



^ ^^C^ 



As^f^f^^ 



ir^a. 



DEDICATORY. 

To the officers and ex-officers of the Austin Police 
Force, and the night reporters of the Austin Daily 
Newspapers, with whom the author was so long 
and so pleasantly associated, this little book is 
most respectfully dedicated. 



INTRODUCTORY. 

These pages were, for the most part^ written 
to relieve the tedium of the long niglit watches 
while the writer was night clerk at the Police Sta- 
tion, and were not intended for pul)lication. 

Persuasion by perhaps too partial friends, and 
the necessity for obtaining a few dollars to "keep 
the wolf from the door," prompts me now to 
inflict them upon a long-suifering public. 

Conscious of the many defects in this little l30ok, 
in style, matter and composition, it is with great 
diffidence that I thrust it before an intelligent com- 
munity. But if it has no other merit in is hoped 
it will be like the yankee peddler's r^ors — do to 
sell. 

Claiming no literary excellence for the book, if it 
should serve to amuse for a short while some 
tired individual and incidently bring me in a few 
shekels, it will have accomplished all that is hoped 
for it. Some of the pieces in this book have been 
published in the local papers over the nom de plume 
B. L. Clampe, which is an anagram of my own 
name. So if in reading this book you should come 
across an old acquaintance do not conclude that 
you have run across a plagiarism — it is only a re- 
print of one of my own compositions. 

The Author. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

PREFATORY, 

Whoop a la! I've writ a book, 

And Baldwin's goin' to print it— 
(I hope the people will not let 

This honest man repent it.) 
The typos — they must all be paid, 

Likewise the paper maker, 
And if the book cannot be sold 

He cannot pay his baker. 

So, friends, come now to his relief— 

When chilled upon, just buy it. 
You cannot tell if it is good 

Until you buy and try it; 
And should the book not come up to 

Your highest expectation, 
Don't throw it down and cry "oh, fudge,'* 

And vote it a vexation. 

The cost to you is very small, 

(Only half a dollar) 
So don't be hypercritical 

And get hot in the collar, 
But rally at the printer's call— 

And buy the whole edition. 
The writer's and the printer's hopes 

Will then bear full fruition. 

The Author. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 9 

UNCLE JERRY, 

There is fact enough in these "Uncle Jerry" stories, that any 
one who knew the old darkey will recognize them readily, and 
the fiction that is introduced is intended only to give color 
and zest to them. 

When I was a small boy, I was in the habit of 
"going to stay all night" with some boys about 
my own age (one a year older, and one a year 
younger) whose father owned a number of negroes, 
one of whom was called Jerry— called by all the 
small boys in the neighborhood, "Uncle Jerry." 

When the nights were too cold for us to be out 
on the lawn, or in the road romping and playing, 
we would go to Uncle Jerry's house and listen to 
his marvelous tales of "hairbreadth scapes" from 
"ghostesses," "spirits," and hobgoblins by reason 
of his "charm," which he always carried about his 
person as as amulet or talisman to protect him 
from unseen enemies, by which his disordered im- 
agination peopled the earth, air and water. 

One of Uncle Jerry's stories ran something like 
this: 

"When Marse Wils'n 'n Miss Milly 'uz fust mar- 
ried I uz gub ter dey's caze me 'n Marse Wils'n uz 



10 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

raise' boys tergedder; 'n hunted de coon an' dc 
possum tergedder in der Tagger (Tygur) bottoms, 
'n uz lak bruders, mos, Marse Wils'n an' Miss 
Milly done raobe inter dey's new house wot me 'n 
Marse Wils'n bil't fon dem 'foah dey's marrered. 
We made one crap, an' 'long bout de fus' Novem- 
ber, Marse Wils'n hab er 'hoi heap er hawgs dat 
run up on Glassy MOunt'n, whar dey's plenty ches- 
nuts, hick'y nuts 'n akorns, an' de hawgs git fat; 
Marse Wils'n go out ebbery ebenin an' call pigee! 
pigee! pigee! loud lak, an' dem hawgs dey come 
runnin' an' squealin' lak mad, caze des knowed 
dey's gwine ter git cawn fob dey suppah. 

One ebenin, w'en I's toten' in de wood ter mak' 
de fiah in the mawnin, Marse Wils'n come in, an' 
he say Jerry, you see any fen' dat big, black 'n 
white barrer. Hebbens an' yeath, littel fellers, *f 
I was'nt skeared. I say — dat un dat got de kink 
in he tail? He say yes; de bigges 'n fattes un in de 
hull drobe. I say no, Marse Wils'n, I clah foh God 
I aint seed nuffin ob him. Marse Wils'n he luk at 
me shahp lak, but he diden say nuffin, 'n he say, I 
'ants yer to go up on de mount'n 'n de mawnin 
an' luk foh him, I 'ants tu put dem all up in de pen 



RHYMES AND OtttER SCRAPS 11 

puttj sune, 'n gib em some cawn ter hahd^n dey's 
fat *n kill em de fus cold spell. I say yes Marse 
Wils'n, I staht foah day, Marse Wils'n he luk at 
me ergin shahp lak, but he diddensay nuffin, on'ny 
he say, no Jerry, you need'n staht foah day, 'twill 
be time ernuff tu go atter breakfus. I say, yes 
Marse Wils'n, I go atter brekfus den. An' I jist 
goed outer dat room quick's litenin, case I seed 
Marse Wils'n done 'spichun me ob stealin dat 
hawg. 

So nex mawnin, atter I gits de bosses an' de 
cows's an' de oxens all fed an' wattered, I goed in 
an' gits my brekfus, an' atter brekfus I stahts up 
de Glassy mount'n ter luk fur dat hawg— I habs 
to go erfut, caze yer knows dat mount'ns's so 
steep an' rocky dat no boss kin trabble ober it. 
I gets up on de mount'n, I does, an' I habs ter 
walk 'roun' or putty heap, case 't wuzc so col', but 
bymeby de sun gits up putty high an' de win' it 
lied, an' it git soht o' wahm, an' I lied down in de 
sun ter res, caze I knowed it wahn no use ter hunt 
for dat hawg,:caze I done kill dat hawg an' skun 
him dn' sell de meat an' buy de gal wot I uz gwine 
wid er bran* new leggun bonnit, an atter dat she 



12 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

frow me ober an' tuk up wid de triflins' no coun' 
knock-kneed, pidgin toed nigger on Tagger, an 
dat's de resin I ain' neber git marrered; 'n I don* 
'ten' ter needer, caze dey ain' no pendence ter be 
put inter none of 'em— black ner white— none, cept 
Miss Milly. She er monsous fine ooman. Wot she 
says is so, wheder 't's »o er no 

Wile I's lyin dar in de sun ersleep I dremp er 
dream, an' de dream it say, wake up Jerry, yer 
gwine ter hab trubble, 'n I wake up 'n it wuz 
plumb pitch dahk, an' all tur onst de britcs kin* 
ob a light shine roun' me, an' I luk up an' I seed a 
big ball ob fiah in de sky, wid er stream er spahks 
flyin behin' it 's long 's f m heah ter de big house, 
'n it uz comin right 'twards me, 'n I jis tech mah 
chahen, an' I say, Obi man, 'f ebber yer gwine ter 
do any fin' for Jerry, now's yer time, an I seed de 
Obi man er comin' an' he mak' er grab at dat ball 
ob fire, and it tu'n inter de debbil; an' Obi man 
grab de debbil, and de debbil grab de Obi man, an' 
dey rassel an' rassel, an' rassel dar in de sky, an* 
't long las' Obi man git de debbil by de nap ob de 
neck an'de seat ob de britchis and he fling him ker- 
biflfergin de side ob old Glassy Mount'n, an it 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 13 

mak' er nize lak de loudis kin ob a cannin, an' de 
brimston it stink lak— lak— lak eberyting. God 
zounds f m hebbens an' yeath 'n HI feller if I 
wahn' skeahed!! huh! er race boss could'n er cotch 
me! er buUit could 'n er cotch me! er streak of 
litenin could'n er cotch me! 't wuz erbout free 
miles f m wher I wuz ter de house, an' I jis run an 
jump up on de p'azzer floah, an' I fall down ker 
blim! plum zausticated. Marse Wils'n he settin in 
de ruhm er readin'. Marse Wils'n alius er mough- 
ty han ter read. He's settin dar er readin' an' he 
heah me fall.'on de floah, an' he say, who dat? I 
diden say nuffin, caze I wuz too tiah'ed an' skeah'd 
ter say nuffin, *n Marse Wils'n cum'd out on de p'az- 
zer an' he luk at me, an' he say, wot's de mattah, 
Jerry? 'n I diden' say nuflin yit, 'n Marse Wils'n 
he cum'd an' he tuhn'd me ober an' say ergin— 
wots de mattah, Jerry? 'n by dis time I soht er 
gits mah bref, an' I say— Oh Marse Wils'n I dun 
steal dat hawg an' de debbil he cum'd atter me 
fob it, an' de Obi man he sabe me, an' now ain' 
neber a gwine ter steal no moah, an' Ize erg wine 
ter be er good nigger, 'n git 'ligion an' jine de 
meetin House, 



14 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Marse Wils'n hejis laf lak, an' he say, I fink yer 
ben 'fishuntly punish fer dis, Jerry, b't 'f ebber yer 
steal anodder hawg f'm me, I'll skin yer erlibe. 

Note — There used to be a tradition, some years before I was 
born, that a huge meteor passed over that country, striking on 
the side of Glassy mountain, and it was probably this that 
Jerry saw and heard, and superstitious terrors and fervid 
imagination had conjured up the Obi man, *'de debbil" and 
their "Rasscl in dc sky." 

UNCLE JERRY AS MENTOR FOR BOYS. 



After a time, Jerry ^'got his Sperence,*^ and 
"jined de Baptis meetin* house," and lived, I sup- 
pose, according to his light, a consistent member 
of the church, and as near a christian as his know- 
ledge would permit. He was a strict observer o^ 
the Sabbath, and very severe in his denunciation 
of Sabbath breakers, and when we boys would go 
to his cabin at night he would lecture us on the 
manner of lives w e should live if we expected to 
grow up good citizens; respected like "me 'n Marse 
Wils'n." 

One night he gave us a special lecture on the 
subject of going fishing on Sunday, and told us ^ 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 15 

story to ''Point the Moral," which ran something 

like this, though no "cold type" can do justice to 

the story as Jerry told it. One would have to see 

his eyes roll and hear the solemn tones in which he 

would chant the words that he made the ^'voices'* 

use to **Sambo.^' 

"I knowed a boy dat lived down on Tyger — (he 

called it Tagger) dat was de wussest, triflin', no 

'count nigger in de hull kentry. Ebbery Sun'nay 

ob de worl', he' tak' he fish 'ook an goed ter de 

ribber an' fish. One Sun'nay mawnin' he gits up 

bright an' airly, an' dig he som' wurms, an' staht 

to Tagger ribber ter fish, an' when he gits ter de 

big hole, he heah a voice come up outen dewotter, 

an' de voice say: Lingo, lingo hey ho, here de 

place Sambo. Sambo stop, an' lissun, an' de voice 

say: 

Lingo, lingo hey ho, put on yer bait Sambo, 
Sambo, he put on he bait, den de voice say 

Lingo, lingo hey ho, drop in yer hook Sambo, 
Sambo he drap in he hook, den de voice say. 
Lingo, lingo hey ho, pull me out Sambo, 
Sambo, pull, an' he pull, an' he pull, an' fiDtch out 
de bigges' fish ebber cotch outen Tagger rib- 
ber, den de voice ergin, (dis time outen de fish) 
Lingo, lingo hey ho, tak' me home Sambo, 



16 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Sambo, he tak' de fish home, den de fish say ergin, 

Lingo, lingo hey ho, clean me clean. Sambo, 
Sambo, he scrape dat fish clean, an' he tak' out he 
intrals, an' de voice say, 

Lingo, lingo hey ho, put on de pan Sambo, 
Sambo, he put on de pan, an' de voice say. 

Lingo, lingo hey ho, cook me done Sambo, 
Sambo, he cook him brown, den de voice say. 

Lingo, lingo hey ho, eat me up Sambo. 

Sambo, he eat him up, an' he ain' no mo' 'n got 
dat fish eat up afoa he gind ter hab de wussest 
pain in he stummick er nigger ebber hab in dis 
worl', he jist roll on de floah, an' he kick, an' he 
holler t'll yer could heah him two mile, an' bymeby 
de debbel come outer dat boy an' tak' him straight 
off ter hell, an' dats de way he gwine ter do all de 
boys wat go fishin on Sun'nay. 

Note — Sambo did go fishing on Sunday as Jerry said, and 
caught alargefish, andkept it out of the water until it spoiled, 
and when he ate it, he took cholera morbus and died, and 
Jerry's fancy gave the fish the "voice," and fitted in the other 
details of the tragedy. 

X, 

UNCLE JERRY AS A SEEKER AFTER RELI- 
GION, 



Far be it from me to ridicule any honest seeker 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 17 

of religion, however humble or ignorant he may 
be; but some of Jerry's ideas and expressions as 
related to us, were so original and unique that ,1 
am constrained to record them. 

After Jerry's experience with the ''Obi man'' and 
"de debbel," as related in a former story, he .be- 
came a devout seeker after religion. 

There was a "Union meeting house" not far 
from where Jerry's master lived, where Baptists, 
Methodists, Presbyterians and Episcopalians held 
services on alternate Sundays in each month . Jerry, 
attired in his "Sunday, gotomeetin' " clothes, was 
a regular attendant on all the services, or the most 
of them, at all events, and was greatly ''pestered'' 
about which "kin' o' 'ligion was de right kin'." 

Those were the days when a preacher felt that 
he had not done his duty by his congregation if 
he had not treated it to a good, strong dish of 
doctrinal pabulum, at each day's service, and 
many and fierce were the controversies about 
"Election and Reprobation," "Free Will" and 
"Baptism," waged in that little church. 

One Sunday afternoon Jerry went up to the 
"big house" and asked his Mistress to read some- 



18 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

thing from the bible to him, because, as he said, 
"dey's a hc-ap kin's 'ligion in de worl' yer know, 
Miss Milly, an' I 'ants ter git de rightkin, cazedey 
caiii' .'ill ])c right yer know, an' de bibul sho to say 
wich kin's right." 

Ilis Mistress was a Baptist, and a "vv/se wo- 
man,'' and she read to him about John the Bap- 
tist, ])reaching in the wilderness. After she had 
read awhile about John the Baptist, Jerry ex- 
claimed, **Now, read sumfin 'bout John de Mefo- 
dis', Miss Milly." "There is nothing in the bible 
about John the Methodist," she said. 

*'Wot, nuffin 'bout John deMefodis'inde bibul?" 
he exclaimed, "den dey's ligion 's no 'coun' 1 specs, 
caze if 't was any 'coun' dey'd be sumfin in de bibul 
M)out John de Mefodis'. I ain gwine ter git no 
Mefodis' 'ligion, den. Well, read me sumfin 'bout 
John de Piscopalium den." "There is no John the 
Episcopalian mentioned in the bible, Jerry." "No 
Johnde Piscopalium, needder?" "No Jerry." "Well, 
read me sumfin 'bout John de Prisbyterium." 
"There is no John the Presbyterian mentioned in the 
bible." "Wot, no John de Mefodis', no John de 
Piscopalium, no John de Prisbyterium! Well ! well ! ! 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 



19 



well!!! an* dey say dey's 'ligion's right! Huh! I 
ain' gwine ter git no sich 'ligion. Fse gwine ter 
git de good ole Baftis 'ligion, I is, an' gwine ter 
jine de Badtis meetin' house des as soon as I gits 
my Sperence. 




20 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPvS 



Talking Through His Hat, 

When the Politician, on his rounds, 

SoHciting your vote 
Tells you the burdens of the poor 

Are too great for them to ''toie," 
And says, if he's elected, 

He'll remedy all that. 
You may take it as almost certain 

That he's ^'talking through his hat/^ 

When ''Shylock,'' with his money bags, 
Takes a mortgage on your farm; 

And says you may rest contented — 
He'll protect you from all harm; 

Says "he only wants the interest — 
Not particular about that" — 

If you don't look out, you'll lose your farm- 
He was '^talking through his hat.^^ 

When a saucy little maiden 

Not yet out other ''teens,^^ 
With roguish looks, and gentle sighs. 

Says much more than she means; 
The chances are just ten to one 

She's play ing you for a Fla t — 
That all this talk she's giving you; 

Is simply ^^through her hat,^^ 



RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 21 

Reflections — Wise and Otherwise. 

Behold! Saith the wise man, I have considered 
of all the days of a man's life; and lo! they are of 
short duration and of many trials. 

He Cometh into the world with a pain in his 
stomach and a yell like unto that of the steam 
whistle of a locomotive engine. The nurse pro- 
ceedeth to plunge him into a bath, from which hi 
soul instinctively recoileth;shetaketh him out and 
covereth him with caresses and a napkin that 
threateneth instant suffocation; she jabbetha safe- 
ty pin into his .tender flesh, and he yelleth some 
more. And the proud father exclaimeth, "What 
lungs the little man hath! He will be a great man 
some day, and be able by their strength to drown 
the din of a political convention." 

He liveth through thera.sh, the mumps, the meas- 
les, and cutteth his eye teeth, and arriveth at the 
stage of ''knickerbockers" and long stockings; and 
sallieth forth in the morning, and returneth at 
night minus his shoes and stockings and two front 
teeth and the nail of his big toes, plus a bloody 
nose and a lump on his forehead the size of a hulled 



22 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

walnut, and a stone bruise on his heel, and his 
mother taketh him across her knee, and with a 
slipper, gently admonisheth him not to engage in 
any more fights, or to throw away his shoes and 
stockings again; and the happy father secretly re- 
joiceth that his offspring is so early developing 
traits that promise success in life. 

He arriveth at school age, and proceedeth, with 
his lunch basket and a sinking heart, to the school 
house; he is assigned a form, and the boy in his 
rear sticketh a pin into him and causeth him to 
jump out of his seat. The teacher frowneth and 
enquireth the cause of vsuch a commotion, and the 
boy in the rear artfully concealeth the pin that 
caused the disturbance, and the new boy is dis- 
graced and kept in after shool hours. 

He passeth through his school days and learneth 
to play marbles and baseball, and becometh an 
umpire and getteth walked all over by the contest- 
ants on both sides of the game. 

He goeth to the university, and struggleth for 
his degree, and learneth the intellectual game of 
football, and becometh a full back, and retireth 
with a broken collar bone, two ribs crushed, his 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 23 

nose knocked out of plumb, and his face so dis- 
figured by scars that his mother wondereth if a 
changeling hath not been worked off on her. 

He pawneth the allowance an indulgent father 
hath made him for a bic3^cle of his i'avorite make. 
He sallieth forth in the gloaming of a peaceful 
summer evening to the home of his best girl and, 
together, they take a spin on their wheels, and as 
they approach the ever-present soda fountain, she 
saith, '^I am aweary, let us rest a spell under the 
cooling breezes of the electric fans in yonder gilded 
palace," and he maketh believe he is delighted to 
comply, while his soul is sick with thoughts of 
how he is to accomplish the feat of supplying her 
with the nectar for which he knoweth her soul 
panteth, as doth the hart for the water brook. 

He liveth in a fool's paradise, all through the 
summer, resorting to many strategies to procure 
the v^herewithal to supply the maiden of his choice 
with the sugared fruits, chewing gum, ice cream 
and other costly and expensive delicacies for which 
she seemeth to have an insatiable appetite, and 
when the theatrical season opens, she wink- 
eth her e3^e, and goeth away with the other fellow, 



24 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

leaving him "a broken wreck, cast upon the shore 
of time." 

He ralh^eth from this— his master disappoint- 
ment — and entereth into business, and a mancom- 
eth along with a "gold brick," andsellethittohim 
at a great sacrific, and lo ! it proveth to be brass, 
and he goeth broke. 

His father setteth him up in business again, and 
he marrieth, and settleth down to the hum-drum 
life of a benedict. He goeth forth in the morning 
to his business, and retumeth, late at night, 
Wearied with the labor and burden of the day and 
his ardiious duties at the "lodge" and findeth his 
wife in tears and a disheveled "robe denuit," when 
she proceedeth to "give him a piece of her mind," 
and he "crieth to the rocks and hills to fall upon 
him," instead of which he falleth under the bed and 
asleep, and waketh next morning with a head- 
ache. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 25 



The Plant of the Pessemist, 

Things were different when I was a bo^' 

From what they are to-daA^; 
TheA^ were better, too, in some respects; 

Or, it seems to me that way. 

When I w^as a bo\% a man was a man 

A hoy, a boy, ever^- day, 
And girls were ^/Ws; women were women. 

And behaved in a womanly way. 

When I was a boy, men ^' ruled the roosV^ 

The women had little to say. 
The boys did not smoke — the girls did not flirt, 

It w^as not then their wa3^ 

When I was a bo^^ the men earned the bread, 

The women served the tea. 
The boys went to school, rode on their slide. 

Or worked, as the case might be. 

When I was a boy, you'd never see 

A woman law-yer, or clerk 
They were satisfied to sta^- at home 

And do the household work. 

There were no type-writers, when I was a boy, 

To lead staid husbands astray, 
With coquettish smiles, and sunny hair; 

And artful, '* fetching'' wa^^s. 



26 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Lawyers were scarce, when I was a boy, 

And usually earned their fees 
By protecting the rights of honest men 

In the courts of common pleas. 

When I was a boy, men sold b\^ weight, 

Their wares and merchandize; 
Or else by measure; and 'twas always full, 

And they never told you lies 

About the bargains they were giving you, 

Nor, what the goods first cost; 
The quality of the merchandize, 

Nor about how much they lost 

By selling the goods at such low price; 

In short, they were honest men 
In the good old days wlien / was a boy. 

And virtuous women, then. 

Thus wailed the ancient Grecian Sage 

Full twenty centuries since, 
And, thus it will be, if time shall last 

Just twenty centuries hence. 

The ^^good old times'^ seem always best 

To the aged; the reason's plnin. 
Their lives were sweet, in the time that's past. 

In the present they are soured v/itli pain. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 27 

Witty Epitahps. 

It is related of the poet Burns that while traveling 
on foot in the highlands of Scotland, he was 
caught in one of those mountain tempests that 
sometimes occur in the high altitudes of that 
country, and was forced to seek the shelter of *'old 
Goody Blake's" rude hut, of small dimensions, 
which stood alone in that wild country close by 
the side of the trail that led to the top of the 
mountain. 

It seems that "old Goody Blake" had acquired 
an unenviable reputation for the manner in which 
she had "taken in and done for" travelers rn a 
way more "taking" than agreeable to them. 

Bums determined to out-wit the old crone, and 
at the same time avenge those who had oftentimes 
been fleeced by her. Assuming an air of great 
poverty, he declared he had not a "baubee to bless 
himself with," but that as he was a poet of some 
renown in his own Bailiwick, told her if she would 
"gie" him "a wee bit sup" and a place to rest his 
weary "b nes" he would write her epitaph. 



28 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

After some hagglino^ about the number of lines 
the epitaph should have, a bargain was struck, 
and as soon as the supper was over, which was 
really as good as the old dame had in the house, 
she began to clamor for her "epitaph." Burns de- 
clared he was too tired to write it all out that 
night until he had some rest, but agreed to write 
half of it, and finish it in the morning. To this 
the old woman, with great reluctance, was forced 
to agree — accordingly Burns took out his note 
book and wrote the following couplet: 

Old Goody Blake, who died of late 
Appeared at last at Heaven's gate — 

Old Goody was greatly pleased with the epitaph 
as far as it went, and as soon as it was light called 
Burns up to finish it. Burns put her off on one 
pretext and another untfl after breakfast, when, 
just as he was ready to leave, he produced the 
other two lines, which made the epitaph read 
thus. 

Old Goody Blake, who died of late 
Appeared at last at Heaven's gate- 
But Peter met her with a club 
And knocked her back to Beelzebub. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 29 

It is needless to add that Burns' stay at that 
*'Hosteh-y" was Hmited after this. 



A yankee clock peddler, who had doubtless heard 
of this episode, stopped over night with a skin 
flint old farmer, who lived in the mountains of 
New Hempshire, named Keasel, and parodied 
Burns, b}^ painting on Keasel's gate the following: 

Old Keasel died not long ago — 

At Heaven's gate his face did show. 

But up slipped the devil, like a weazel 

And down to H— 11 he kicked old Keasel. 

There is a story of a certain king of England, 
who was *4ong" on promises, and "short on per- 
formances. 

At a club dinner one evening at which there was 
a noted wit of the day present. When the wine 
w^as flowing pretty freely, the wit arose and read 
the following epitaph: 

"Here lies our sovereign Lord the King, 

Whose word no man relies on — 
Who never said a foolish thing, 

And never did a wise one." 

To w^hich the king good humoredly and wittily 
replied: 



30 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

"That is easily accotinted for— 
My says are all my own— 
My doings are my ministers." 

It was probably the same wit, who, at a club 
dinner in London, at which the Lord Mayor pre- 
sided, was angered by the arrogance and supercil- 
iousness of that dignitary, who was a purse proud 
ignorant financier, and owed his elevation to the 
exalted position to a large contribution to the 
exchecquer of a profligate king. The wit deter- 
mined to have revenge, so, after the substantials 
had been cleaned away, and speech making became 
the order af the day, or rather, of the night, the 
wit arose and addressed the mayor in something 
like the followieg language: 

"My Lord Mayor and Chief Magistrate of the 
metropolis of England, and of the world: In con- 
sideration of the many wise and benificent acts of 
your Lordship during the time you have held the 
exalted position you now occupy— I have prepared 
what I think will be a suitable epitaph to be in- 
scribed upon the monument I have not a doubt a 
grateful public will erect to your memory after you 
have passed away from the scenes of your present 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 31 

grandeur and gloi*y, which with the permission ot 
your Highness I will read to the assembled com- 
pany." 
"Proceed, sir," pompously replied his highness. 

Whereupon the wit, with a very grave face read 
the following epitaph: 

**Here lies our worthy Lord Mare, 

Who, despite his presumptuous pretense. 
Has never in life been accused 

Of being possessed of horse sense. 
But as often the case may be found 

As down life's journey we pass. 
The man wdiom the people call "Mare," 

Proves himself to be onlv an ass. 




32 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 



TELEPHONIC PHUN 

FOR 

THE POLICE NIGHT CLERK 



riore or Less Apochryphal. 

While the Hfe of the poHce night clerk is mono- 
tonous and irksome to a degree, yet there are some 
funny incidents connected therewith. 

One night about 11 o'clock the telephone rang 
and the night clerk answered— * 'Hello !" "Hello !" 
came the reply— "What's wanted?" 

''Sent er boleecemon down hure righdt avay 
kveek." 

•♦What's the trouble?" 

*'Neffer you mindt vhat's der droopple. Sent er 
boleecemon down hure." 

"Where do you want an officer sent?" 

"Vhy, righdt hure." 

"Right where?" 

"Righdt hure ver I bin." 

"Well, where are you?" 

"I bin righdt hure ver I doos mine peezness. 
Dinks I bin standt oop py der delefone pole, eh?" 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 33 

"Well, where do 3^ou do 3'our business." 

"Hure in mine 'ouse. Dinks 1 doos mine peesh- 
ness oudt on der sthreet, like a tam Chew?" 

"What's your number?" 

"Nommer? Sentein, five, sieben thousand!, may- 
pe." 

"Well, I cannot send an officer unless you tell me 
where to send him." 

"Hunner t'ousan deyful! tond I dell you trei, 
finif hunner times alretty; sent him hure, hure to 
mine 'ouse. Unt if you toiid seat him righdtavay, 
puty kveek I see der marszhal in der morgen und 
vind oud vy ve bays der boleecemons do to our 
peeshness, und ven ve vant vun dey vSthandt der 
und say vhere. vhere. Cott in himmil, it vhoud 
make a vool er vhise man ter be so vooled mit." 

"You dinks you're schmardt,eh? Youdinks3^ou 
kit kay mit me, eh? I cooms oop der righdt avay 
tireckly, pooty kvick und bunch dein tam haidt." 



One morning about 7 o'clock, the telephone rang 
and the night clerk answered it, when the follow- 



ing dialogue occurred: 



'Haillo ! I§ dot der bolice station?' 



3t RHYMIiS AND OTHER SCRAPS 

"Yes — what's wanted?" 

"Has er fjlier a ri^ht to nion vater pefore anod- 
der feller's jj:atc mid mnke er seldop dare?" 

"I don't know. How does he run the water 
there?" 

"Dare pen er Tago leef on der zide hill vust 
erpoof me, und he tig er teedeh petbre liees place 
ter sidevalk on, und ter vater roons town Ijel'ore 
mine gate und makeermudtsehloj). Mine vit'eean 
no ket to ter wegctable vagon, marrgit vagon, 
milluk vagon nor noddings." 

"Wh}' don't you extend the (hteh by your pkice 
and run the water on past it?" 

"Unt make er sehlop, mooty plaee pefore mine 
n.nghi)or's? No, I not do dot?" 

"Well, let your neighbor continue the ditch on, 
and that wdll end all the trouble." 

"Vhat vhor shall ve pe at ter oxpense ter tecg 
dhat teedteh vot ter ceety should make, eh?" 

"Have you spoken to the city engineer about 
this?" 

"Who is dhat ceety eng'neer? 

"Capt. McFall. If you will see him and show 
liim how the water injures you, I think he will at- 



RHYMES AND OTIIEK SCRA1\S 35 

tend to it and liave it remedied." 

"I toiid know dhat Gap MePaul." 

"Well, I'll make a memorandum here and have 
him go out and look at the plaee and see what 
can 1)e done." 

"No! You tond leef no mem'rands nornoddings 
dhere. I feex um." 

"All right, that will be the best way out of it." 

"Yah! I feex um like dheesh: I co dhere unt I 
veel oop dhot teedtch und eet rains ter nocht, und 
in ter morgen dhat Tago go at marrgit before tay, 
unt he sdethps inter dhot sehlops mood unt he 
eoes een hees dop shoes oper. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I 
laufps vhen I dhinks how he will surbrize pe. He 
vhill dhinks, who ter tuyferdhodheesi vhoundter? 
Unt I 3^ust lay pack dhere unt lauf mine outsides 
een at hum, unt he neafer know^ who don him. 
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Goot-pyc." 



One night about half past 8 o'clock came the 
following message: 

"Sen' er p'licefan here, quick." 

"What's the trouble?" 

"I'se de ladv wot washes fur er low down white 



3G RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

'oiiiaii, nn' I done brtiiig licr close lionie, an' she 
won't pay me, 'ntl I wants lier 'rested." 

"Wluit does she say about it?" 

"Say! She says a plenty; she sa3's 'f I waits till 
her husban' come home hum de lodge she pay me. 
Huh! ketch me waitin' fur dem liusbtin's ter come 
home frum de lodges! I knows wot lodges dey go 
to; I dun seed sum of dez lodges. De_v come home 
maybe two, free 'clock in de morn', and dey ain' 
got munney 'nuff let' tu buy er peanut if dey wuz 
sellin' fur fibe cents er bar'l." 

"Well, we can't arrest a woman because she 
doesn't pay her wash bill." 

"Dat's ca'se she's white; 'f she wuzerculledlady 
yuse 'rest her fas' 'nuff." 

"Oh, I don't know; did you ever hear of a 'cullud 
lady' being arrested because she didn't pay her 
debts when she promised?" 

"Yuse 'rest um for less'n dat. 'f er cuUud lady 
walks erlong de street atter a certain hour at night 
youse 'rest her an' fines her fer er vag; who's er 
vag, I lak ter know, niore'n er 'ooman wot won't 
pay fer her washin' w'en er lady done done it an* 
brung it home?" 



RHYMES AND OTITIvR SCRAPS a7 

**Well, if she won't i)ay }on, .'-^o to tlic jnsl te 
court and sue her." 

"Wat's dat?" 

"Get a writ for lier." 

"Whar I go ter git er 'ril?" 

"Go to Matt Johnson or Judge Stuart; they'll 
tell 3^ou what to do." 

"Kin I take her ter Jedge Stuart's eourt?" 

"Certainly." 

"Goody! Goody! Goody! I'll take licr ter Jedge 
Stuart's eourt 'n de niornin'. I bet yer I hnb'erin 
jail 'fore night. 01' Stuart he ain' 'fenred ter 'rest 
no triflin' low down white 'oonian dat won't pay 
er cullud lady fer her work atter she done worked 
fur it. Goodbye." 



This, from a lady — we will not say whether it 
was from South Austin, east of theeemeter3^ Hyde 
Park or the extreme western part of the eit}-. It 
was far enough from the police station to liave 
been at any of these ])laees. 

About 9:30 one night the telephone rang and the 
night clerk answered. 

"Hello," in the softly modulated tones of a lad v's 



38 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

voice, came floating over the wires. 

"Is this the place where the cit^^ marshal and the 
police stay?" 

"Yes, madam, this is the police station." 

"Is the cit3' marshal there?" 

"No, madam, he is not here r.t present." 

"Will he be there tonight?" 

"I don't know, madam; he does not usually come 
to the station after this time of night unless some- 
thing extraordinary occurs to call for his presence 
here." 

"Oh, dear! I wanted to speak with him so 
badly." 

"If there is anything of importance, I may be 
able to find him by telephonec and put 3'ou in com- 
munication with him." 

"Oh, thank you— there is something ver}^ im- 
portant I want to speak to him about." 

"All right, I'll see if I can And him forycuandlet 
you know later on." 

"Oh, thank you, ever so much." 

The night clerk learns that the marshal is out of 
town and rings up the lady's teleplione and in- 
forms her of the result of his investigations. 



RHYMES AND OTifEK SCRAPS S'J 

^'Oh, I'm vSo sorry. I (Htl want to speak to him 
so much." 

"What is the nature of the eoinmunication 3'ou 
wished to make to him? Perliaps I could helpyou 
out." 

"I'm ever so much obliged. Will you please send 
an officer out here at once?" 

"What is the trouble out there, madam?" 

"Why, I gave out my wash last Mcmday and the 
woman promised to bring it back the next 
day, and here it is a whole day after she promised 
to bring it back and it has not come in 3'et." 

"Well, do you want to make a charge against 
the woman tor theft of the Qlothes." 

"Oh, no; I don't suppose she has stolen them; I 
just want an officer to make herbring them back." 

"Does she refuse to bring them back?" 

"No; she says she will bring them back as soon 
as they are dried and ironed." 

"Do you want her to bring them Ijack in an un- 
finished condition?" 

"No. I want the officer to make her finish them 
and bring them in." 

"I am afraid I can do nothing for 3'OU, madam. 



40 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

I am sorrj^, but it is no part of an officer's duty td 
collect the wash of citizens. You have my sym- 
pathy, but I can't help you anj-." 

"Well, I thought maybe you could; good bye." 

"Goodbye." 

And thus ended the important matter the lady 
wanted the marshal to know about. 



One night a message was 'phoned in for an of- 
ficer to be sent about a mile and a half from the 
police station. 

"What do you want with an officer?" was asked. 

"I wants er ossifer ter git my dead brudder's 
close from a cullud feller what woan' gin 'em ter 
me." 

"What reason does he give for not letting j^ou 
have them?" 

"He say m^^ brudder owe him for rentof hoUvSe." 

"How much does he sa}^ 3^our brother owes 
him?" 

"He say he owe him mos' two dollar." 

"Why don't you pay him the rent and get the 
clothes?" 

"Whaffer I pay him w'cn de close dun mine?" 



RHYMEvS AND OTHER SCRAPvS 4.1 

"Well, you had better go to a law3^crandsue for 
them then. I can't send an officer to take the 
clothes by force." 

''Huh! If I gits a lawyer it will cos' mo'n fo' 
bits." 

"Very likely. Law suits come high you know, 
but we must have them." 

"I doan' want no law suits. Yon sen' cr ossiler 
heah an' I done git dem close widout no law suit 
er I'll choke goosend outen dat triflin' no count 
nigger wot's got 'em." 

**You go to choking the 'goosend' out of any- 
body and you'll land in jail. You can't go around 
taking things by force; you have to establish your 
claim to the clothes in the courts and get a decree 
awarding them to you, and then the officers will 
put you in possession of them." 

"Whaifer I got ter do all dat, 'n I dun knows 
dey's mine already." 

"But others don't know it. How do the clothes 
come to belong to you?" 

"It's like dis. My muddcr she married a man 
an' had me 'n den she done quit dat man an' tuk 
up wnd annodder man an' he already had a boy an' 



42 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

den dat man leP mndder an' dat l^o}^ an' run away 
or snmfin' and my mudder she dun raise dat boy 
an' dat mak: him my bru Ider 'n w'en dat boy got 
bignuff he got ter bedewuss-'st an' mo^' triflin' nig- 
ger 3^011 ebber seed. Hah' his time he wnz in jail 'n 
on de county road fur stcalin' an' todder hah' he 
wuz dodgin' de ossifers ter keep on ten jnil tel at 
last de\" cotch liim breakin' opena kyaran'stealin' 
flour, an' dey sent him ter de pen, an' he dun wuk 
out his time an' dey turn him out an' gib him sum 
new close an' sum money ter come home on an' he 
dun ride the brakes an' come home an' hab all his 
money lef an' he buy liquor wid it an' git drunk 
an' lied out in de col' one mouty col' night an' 
mos' froze an' he dun tuk new mony an'hcdied an' 
lef all dem good close wot de pen folks gin him an' 
now dey's mine an' I wants 'em." 

"Well, I can't send an officer to take them bj^ 
force. If you want them you will luive to go to 
court for them." 

"Huh ! What's an ossifer fer if (.]ey can't gin er 
man his rights, I lak to know?" 

Here the night clerk hung up the receiver and 
closed the colloquy. 



kHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 43 

One night a1)out 10 o'clock the telephone bell 
rang and oh answering it the following dialogue 
ensued: 

"Hello-ri, is this de police-a station?" 

"Yes; what's wanted?" 

"Send a police-a-man down a here right away" 

"Where do you want an officer sent?" 

"Dowri-a to nunimer blank Blank street-a" 

"What's the trouble down there?" 

"A fella, he come-a in here and ealla me Dago. 
I hitta hinionc on de snoot-a and he hitta me wid 
a beer bottle an' we haf a haile of a time-a." 

The officer was sent down and pretty soon he 
came in with the "feller-a" and the "Dago-a"both 
and 'made charges against them for fighting. The 
"feller-a," who was pretty drunk, was locked up, 
while the "Dago-a" was sent off to the doctor to 
get his head patched up, and next morning each 
paid'a $10 fine in the recorder's court for assault- 
ing, striking and fighting each other against the 
peace^and dignit3^ of the cit\^ of Austin and in 
violation of an ordinance etc., etc., etc. 



One night the falh>wing came over tlie telephone: 



44 fiHYMES AND OTHER SCRAt^S 

"Hello; is that the police station ?" 

"Yes, madam; what's wanted ?" 

"I want to know if that devil uv a pound man 
has got me pig in the poun'." 

"I don't know. What sort of a pig is it ?" 

"Och, shure, an' she waz as foine a sow — save 
your prisence— as iver ye saw." 

"What color was she ?" 

"X foine black wan, savin' her tail, which was 
whoitc." 

"How long since you saw her ?" 

"Shure, an' she wuz in the pin this marnin* when 
oi wint out to do me day's wash fur the lady what 
lives jist thray blocks away, an' a kind an' dacent 
lady she is, as iver dhrew breath o' loife. An' Well 
oi moind the da}^ when the litttle bare-futted bye 
brought her in his arrums to me house an' I guv 
him a doime fur her." 

"Gave the boy a dime for the lady ?" 

"Fur the pig, ye spalpane. D'ye think oi'd be 
givin' a doime fur a lady ?" 

"Well, I'll look on the pound book and see if the 
pig is in the pound." 

"Moind ye do now, an'' if the rogue has got her. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 45 

he'd betther kape away from mt* or oi'U give hini 
a taste of me tin nails in his oyes." 

The pound book was consulted without finding 
the pig mentioned in it, and Bridget was so in- 
formed. 

*'Ah! wurra! wurra! wot shall I do? An' 'twas 
only yisterday oi noticed what a foine pigshewuz 
an' me be thinkin' wot a many a foine rasher oi'd 
be cuttin' from her fat soides in the comin' wen- 
th6r, an' wot a faste her back-bones 'ud make fur 
meand the widdy O'Houlihan whin we mite cile- 
br^tetheday wewuzboth madewiddys by the ex- 
ploshin uv a moine, where me husbun' an' O'Houli- 
han wuz a wurrikin — God rist their sowls !" 

**Well, perhaps she has not gone far; you may 
find her in the morning." 

"Do you till the pound man, the devil, to look out 
for that pig, an' if he foinds her oi'll give him his 
haf a dollar, an' be glad to do so. Oi'd ruther 
grve him the haf a dollar than fur them butchers 
to git her, fur if they wanst git their claws on her, 
nivver a hair nor hoide uv her wud I see agin." 

"All right, I'll tell him." 

"Moind ye do now, an' say, oi'Ubeloikeamither 



4.G RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

till him, an' yc needn't moind savin' an^^thing 
about what oi said about givin' him a tashte uv 
me nails, ye know; an' if he cums aroun' me house, 
maybe oi'U have a wee dhrap o' somethin' that'll 
waiTum his heart an' make him feel loike a bye 
again; scms real 'mountain dew' that niver paid a 
pinny of excoise, that Tim McMurthy, me cousin, 
brought trim the oukl counthry, and' howe heiver 
got it here oi dunno. Seayin he wuz a born 
dhurnkard, an' oi don' belave the thaie of" dthe 
worrel iver broat it over, but baught it frum some 
doive herre an' me be dthikin-all dthe toime oi cud 
smill the reek o' dthe sod on it an' savin' it for 
me an'dthe widdy O'Houlihan whin we cilibrate 
the dhay we wuz made widdy s an' taken only a 
dthimble full at a dthoime to make it lasht as long- 
as we cud. 




RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 47 



The War Upon Dirt. 

My wife's a most excellent woman; 

She is constant, and tender, find true; 
As a mother, she's fond and devoted — 

As a neighbor, excelled by but few; 
As a cook, there is few that's her equal, — 

She is careful of the buttons on my shirt; 
But she worries the very life out of me 

With her constant warfare upon dirt. 

When I open my eyes in the morning; 

After passing the night in sweet dreams; 
The first thing that catches my vision 

Is the wdiisk other broom, as it gleams 
Over floor of the hall and the parlor; 

The bed room, the closet or kitchen; 
And all the day long, 'tis the same thing; 

That broom's everlastingly switching. 

Or, if not the broom, then the dusters 

The plague of my lite — not a minute 
Can I, in conversation engage her, 

(Sure, the mischief itself must be in it) 
Most wives can find time, from their hurry, 

With their husbands, or others to flirt, 
But mine's in continuous worry 

In determined warfare upon dirt. 



48 RHYMES -AND OTHER SCRAPS 

If not dusting or sweeping; she's scrubbing; 

Or daubing, with acid, Carbolic 
All the cracks in the bedstccid, as though she 

Was doctoring the Bvgs for the Colic. 
Not: a moment of peace can I find — 

She is constantly on the alert 
Lest the house, or the yard, or the kitchen 

Should be attached b^^ her enemy — dirt. 

While awake, through the days longest hours, 

She is worrying, and peering, and peeking 
For spider-webs, fly specks and vernion, 

Of naught else, she ever is speaking; 
And at night, when she soundest is sleeping, 

She cries out, as though she was hurt — 
O ! just look at the dust heaps and ashes; 

Will I never get rid of the dirt ?. 

I'm afraid, when at last, she has worried 

Herself and me into the grave; 
Her unquiet spirit will wonder 

O'er the home, where she made herself slave, 
And go peeping and spying in crannies, 

Armecl with horse whip, with raw-hide or quirt. 
And go thrashing the housemaid, still screaming, 

''You SLOVEN, JUST LOOK AT THE DIRT !" 




RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 49 

The Convict System. 

Austin, Tex., October 3, 1888. 
To the Editor of the Statesman : 

Worldngmen are daily and hourly complaining 
of over competition in their various pursuits and 
callings. They cry out against "pauper immi- 
gration," ** Chinese immigration," ''woman's usur- 
pation," and a thousand other vexations which 
beset their path and reduces compensation for 
their daily labor. Law-makers rack their brains 
for a remedy (just before election time); candidates 
for office are very solicitous for the welfare of the 
dear people as long as they are soliciting votes; 
judges, v^ho hope to be returned to office, give 
lengthy opinions in favor of the "hardy sons of 
toil" (when it becomes necessary to secure their 
votes); labor unions make laws in their societies 
to curtail the mumber of workmen in their differ- 
ent crafts by stipulating the number of apprentices 
a boss may employ in proportion to the number 
of journeymen he has working for him; "walking 
delegates" of the Knights of Labor order men out 
pn a. strike if an employer puts on a non-union 



50 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

man where the Knights have control of the labor- 
ers; want anil misery, and sometimes riot and 
bloodshed, follow those demonstrations. The 
"tariff men" sa3^: "Give us a high protective tariff 
to protect our infant industries and the laboring 
men shall all have wages that will compensate 
them amply for iheir toil." The "freetraders" 
say: "Wipe out the iniquitions tariff, open up the 
markets of the world for the products of our manu- 
factories and all will be serene." 

Now, that wages are too low in this countr}', 
considering the amount of work demanded by tlie 
employers as a day's labor, none I think, will deny. 
But, whether any of the remedies suggested by the 
different reformers will prove adequate to the oc- 
casion, I shall not stop now to argue. There is, I 
think, one great system, however, which is a very 
popular one in all the states of this union that is 
a great injustice to all the laboring classes in this 
countrv, and one which can and, in my judgment, 
should be changed. 

The penitentiary system as now in vogue in all 
the states is an unmitigated outrage on the labor- 
ing classes of America, 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 51 

To take a criminal, incarcerate him in the peni- 
tentiary, learn him a trade, introduce machinery, 
and set him manufacturing articles that should of 
right be manufactured by honest mechanics, is not 
only bringing the labor of the convicts in direct 
competition with honest labor, but it is degrading 
the honest mechanic to the level of the convict. 
For the state to purchase farms, and. place the 
convicts on the farms to raise the various products 
of the fields, is a manifest injustice to the honest 
farmer, in that, it multiplies, at a rate that no 
honest citizen can afford to labor the products of 
the farm, thus cheapening the price of such pro- 
ducts to a point w^hich is ruinous to the law-abid- 
ing citizen. The system of hiring out to railroad 
companies, planters, coal miners, wagon or shoe 
manufacturers, or other individuals or corpora- 
tions, the convicts of the penitentiary, is not only 
a gross injustice to all classes of labor, but is, in 
my humble judgment, a flagrant violation of the 
very principles of justice and equity which is 
sought to be vindicated by the incarceration of the 
culprits. 

England has had her Van Pieman's Land and 



52 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Austrialia for 3'cars, where she eould ship her con- 
victs out of the reach of competition with honest 
labor. Russia has her Siberia, Spain her mines, 
and Mexico sends her convicts to recruit her army 
or elsj shoots them— all removing their convicts 
from contact and competition with the virtuous 
and hiw-abiding population of their several coun- 
tries. 

It may be that the convict is too harshly treated 
in the nations above cited; it may be that the 
civilization of the Nineteenth century demands a 
more humane treatment of criminals than is prac- 
ticed in those countries. But, I have no patience 
with this sickly sentiment^lismthat sympathsizes 
entirely with the ''poor criminal," and has no com- 
misseration for honest, law-abiding labor. I have 
1/ttle faith in the reformation of hardened crimi- 
nals, as a rule, though sometimes" it happens that 
a penitentiary convict, after serving out his term 
of imprisonment, becomes a useful, law-abiding 
citizen, and I am willing to grant that if only one 
in ten is really reformed, that the system of im- 
prisonment for crime is better than the execution 
of criminals; except for outrageous crimes, as for 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 53 

instance, murder, rape and kindred atrocities. 
But I would, instead of herding tlieni together in- 
discriminately, classify them nccording to lljc 
nature of the offenses committed. 1 woukl hang" 
the most atrocious villains and get them out of 
the way at once as soon as caught and convicted, 
classify the balance according to the grade of the 
offense, abolish the state penitentiary and turn 
the convicts of each county over to the county 
authorities: let the counties employ guards, pur- 
chase equipments, lay out roads and set the con- 
victs to work on them, until every settlement had 
a good road turnpike through it, and every stream 
and ravine on all the roads was spanned \)y a per- 
manent stone arch bridge. I am well aware that 
this system would require a good deal of money 
to carry it out, but, I think, by abolishing the 
present wortliless road law, thereby reHeving the 
citizen of the burdens of keeping up the miserable 
pretenses of roads that now disgrace the counti}-, 
levying a small poll tax on the property liolderF, 
that this, with the increased values of farm lands 
by having good roads; the cheapening of the cost 
of marketing farm products; the saving in wear 



54 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

and tear on vehicles of all kinds; the settlmg up of 
the county by thrift\% honest citizens who would 
be attracted to the state by reason of her public 
highways; and last, though by no means least, 
the removal of convict labor from competition 
with honest labor, would more than compensate 
for the difference in cost of the system I have sug- 
gested and the present penitentiary sj^stem. 

This is, of course, only a meagre outHne of the 
policy that a change such as I have suggested 
would involve. It would require very careful legis- 
lation and great care in the selection of officers to 
put the system in working operation, and it is 
more than probable that at first mistakes would 
be made. But I feel pretty sure that if the system 
I have outlined was inaugurated, and intelligently 
and systematically followed out, correcting mis- 
takes when discovered, that a better state of af- 
fairs would soon be apparent, and that all classes 
of citizens would be benefitted thereby. 

I have no data at hand by which I can compute 
or even approximate the difference in the cost of 
the two S3^stems of prison management under dis- 
cussion, and feci that I have but poorly handled 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 55 

the subject; l)nt perhaps this article will have tlie 
effect of drawing the attention of otheis to the 
subject who wih more al^ly set forth the advan- 
tages of the change than Icould possihl^^ do. It it 
should, thiscomnninication will accomplish all and 
more than 1 could hope for. 



Burdens. 

The burdens of the whiteman are man^^ and great; 

As, the burden of office, the burden of siaie; 
The burden of government, l^urdcn of taxes, 

Which, much of our honesty surely relaxes; 
The burden of penury, burden of wealth; 

The burden of miserj^ burden of health; 
The burden of cold, and the burden of heat; 

The burdens of rustling tor something to eat. 

The burden of glor}^ the burden of fame, 
The burden of obloqu\^, burden of shame, 

The burden of song and the burden of care, 
The burden of w^oe and ol dark despair. 

The burden of env3% the burden of pride — 
(The hardest of all other burdens to hide). 

While speaking of burdens— don't let us forget 

That onerous burden— the burden of debt. 
And that other burden — indeed 'twould be rare if 

We ever forget it — the burden of of tariff. 
And other great burdens, too tedious to mention. 

To name them all over, is not my intention, 
But the heaviest burden on this side of Jordan 

Is the "changes that are rung" on the "White 
Man's Burden." 



56 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Politics. 

"In politics, if you would mix, 
And mean you fortunes be, 
Bear this in mind, be deat and Ijlind! 
Let great ones hear and see." 

Burns. 

■ What is politics? The science of government? 
No, my boy. Politics is "the know how to get 
thar," the knowledge of the weak points of the 
"dear people." The wisdom to play upon the pre- 
judices, the foibles, the whims and caprices of the 
multitude. It is, to know just what will tickle 
the fancies of the populace, and the disposition to 
pander thereto; to care nothing for the real in- 
terests of the citizens, but to look out for the suc- 
cuss of Number One. It is to know who has the 
largest bank account that will tap it for the bene- 
fit of the candidate. He is the one to conciliate. 
It is not necessary to inquire if he is a man of in- 
tegrity, of good judgment, of loltj^ principles, of a 
keen sense of honor, right and justice. The main 
and only questions arc, "has he got the money? 
will he shell outfor thebenefit of the cause?" These 
questions l)eing answered satisfactorily, by the 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPvS 51 

"putting up of the dough," he is the "power be- 
hind the throne." He it is that elects the can- 
didate, dispenses the patronage of the office and 
dictates the pohcies thcrof. He it is to whom all 
applicants for position must "crook the pregnant 
hinges of the knee, that thrift may follow fawning." 
In every community in the county is to be found 
this "great man" of his "bailiwick." He stands, 
Hke Saul, the son of Kish, "head and shoulders 
above all of his fellows. He may have no more 
brains than a goat, no more honor than a pick- 
pocket, no more virtue than a common prostitute, 
no more patriotism than a slave, yet, if he has 
money, and will use it for "the party"— that is, 
for the success of some particular aspirant for 
political honors— life-long political service, patrio- 
tic devotion to his country, avowed by the scars 
of a hundred battles in defense of the rights of his 
people, must take a back seat. His counsels, 
though they were wise as Solomon's, are but the 
babblings of an idiot, compared with the advice of 
this judge of "practical politics." Honest merit is 
relegated to the rear, and brassy impudence is set 
upon the pinnacle of fame. When minor offices are 



58 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

to be given out, fitness for the position is ignored 
and the base, crawhng lick-spittles, wlio disbursed 
the money of the "great man" who furnished "the 
sineus of war," must be rcwar Jed for his "devotion 
to the party." It matters not that he lacks every- 
thing in the way of qualifications for the position 
he seeks; he may be as ignorant as sin, as corrupt 
as Satan himself, 3'et if he has crawled at the feet 
of the "boss," has placed the money where it would 
"do the most good," he has earned the right to 
draw government pay for hisardiuous duties dur- 
ing the campaign, while the pul^lic service must 
suffer, and men fitted b\' edrication and practical 
experience for the position may "go hang," or 
what is equal to the same thing, go starve. 

I think tl;.ere arejust two classes of men wlio are 
beneath the contempt of all honest men: One of 
these is the class who sell their votes; the other is 
the class who buy them. The poor devil who sells 
his vote ma\^ have the excuse that his family needs 
the dollar or two for which he sjIIs it, but the 
brassy, impudent rog.ie who Iju^-s it has not even 
this excuse, for there are alwaj^s pickings enough 
in the "crumbs that are thrown to the dogs from 



RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 59 

the great man's table" to keep him from starv- 
ing; therefore, he is the most contemptible of the 
two. 

This ispolitics— "practical politics"— the politics 
of the closing year of the nineteenth century. How 
do you like it? 



The Young Wife's Plaint, 

Once I was happy, light-hearted and free; 
When I lived at home with mv mother. 

Who ironed the clothes, concocted the tea 
In a manner approached by no other. 

The biscuits she made— Superintended tlie roast- 
Made the coffee— so strong and delicious; 

The table, she set— and she buttered the toast, 
And when they were eat— washed the dishes. 

I sat in the parlor— the fine lady pla3^ed— 

Went walking or driving, or riding- 
Took a spin on my wheel— which my father, most 
kind, 

Found such pleasure in always providing. 
When Charley came wooing, "l thought him so 
nice — 

So manly — so handsome— so clever— 
When he asked me to wed him, I said in a trice— 

I am yours, my dear Charley, forever. 



60 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

And so we were wed and went to our home — 

Like turtle doves, billed, cooed and — ])arted — 
My Idol was shattered — I found out too soon 

That Charley was eold— cruel hearted — 
Me he expected to do the hard tasks 

So often performed by my mother — 
Make biscuits— brew coffee — work round the liot 
vStove 

From one long day's end to another. 

So you dear 3^oung ladies take warning l)y me 

Or else you'll have terril)le bother — 
Learn to make l)iscuits, l)rew coffee and tea 

Wliile living at home with your moth jr. 
For wlienyou are married and settled at home 

You'll i\u(\ it a difficult matter 
To fill up in Charley the dull 'ichiim- void 

With billing and cooing and chatter. 



The Bachelor Girls. 



Oh! I am a joll3^ old bachelor girl, 

Heart whole, and fiee from all care. 
I'd scorn to marry the handsomest man; 

Thoiigh he was a millionaire, 
I would not wear the conjugal yoke 

For the money would ransom a king, • 
How'er, I may differ from all other folk; 

Or from everv other thinir. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 61 

You may sing of the plensures of wedded love, 

Or rave over marital bliss, 
But a flirtation, sty, in the leaf-shaded grove. 

While the stars wink to let us kiss 
Is i)ctter by far for this bachelor girl; 

How'er, you may seek to decry it, 
Than a lifetime of love with a selfish old churl. 

If you don't think so, I advise you try it. 

Thus w^arbled a bevy ofbachelor girls 

While their laughter and chatter were blended— 
But the last one was married and settled in homes 

Ere the year it occurred in was ended. 
And so it will be, however they boast 

Of their freedom from care and from worry- 
When the man comes along, lest the chance may 
be lost. 

They accept him at once in a hurry. 




62 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

The following was written while the writer was 
engaged peddling vegetables and was intended as 
an advertisement of his busines: 




Old Billie and L 

Old BilHe and I are a rare old lot, 
From morn 'til noon we jog and trot 

To sell our "garden truek." 
We'll call upon you without fail, 
And if w^e chance to make a sale 

We'll feel that we're in luck. 

Our stock is of the finest kind — 
Mustard and radish you will find; 

Potatoes, turnips, beets; 
Onions, cabbage, celery, beans. 
Apples, peaches, squash — this means 

What everybody eats. 

We sell them at the lowest price. 

And they're so toothsoms, fresh and nice- 

To buy 3^ou can but choose. 
When honest dealing is the rule — 
Politeness of "ye olden" school, 

You surely can't x'efuse. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 63 

TliLni let us fiill your order uow, 
And to your jiulgni^nit we will l30w 

As would a "Merehant Piiiiec," 
Assured if ouee we get ^^our trade 
Our fortune then will soon be made. 

(That last Ime made me wince) 

Bat it had to go in to nudvc a rhyme. 

Water^Million Time. 

De sun am shinin on de grass; 

White, fleecy clouds flo£it high — 
De wind am singin' froo de trees 

De niggers' luUaby — 
De lazy days of sunshine come 

In Texas glorious clime, an 
De niggers all am happy, caze 

Its water-million time. 

Chorus: 

Oh, dere's high ol' times in Texas 

In de water-million time, 
When good ones cost a nickel, 

An de bigges dess a dime. 

De ol' men, young men, women, an' 

De pickaninnies, too, 
Am w^aitin' for de waggin dat 

Will soon come passin' froo. 
Loaded down wid water-millions, 

Ob de berr^^ fines' kind. 
Wid de red meat in de middle, 

Wrapped up in de green rind. 



64 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Chorus: 

Den go way white folks, wid yer trash 

You'll nebber fool dis coon. 
(He's been way up to Bastrop twice, 

And gwine to Houston soon) 
He knows de bes ting for to eat — 

What white folks call sublime — 
An dat's de rich, red juicy meat, 

Of water-million time. 

Chorus: 

De doctors say dey aint no good, 

Dey'll make de niggers sick, 
Dess let 'em bring a dozen, an' 

I'll show^ 'em mighty quick 
Dis nigger ain't no skcery, if 

De water-million's prime. 
He'll eat de whole kerboodle, 

In a haf a nour's time. 

Chorus: 




RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 65 

The Stolen Snow Shoes, 

(A Russian Legend.) 

In one of the provinces of Russia, where the snow 
falls some years to enormous depths, they have a 
brigade of men organized to rescue persons who 
are caught out on the plains in one of those sudden 
storms of snow which sometimes occur in the early 
autumn. 

As in all cases where delegated authority is con- 
ferred in Russia, the Czar makes the appointment. 
But in one of the villages called Austonevitch, the 
Czar allows the citizens to select two or more per- 
sons who would be suitable men as leaders of the 
brigade of rescuers. These candidates then make 
a trial of skill on snow shoes, by racing to a cer- 
tain goal, and the man first reaching the goal 
would receive the appointment as Judiscoschney- 
feu, meaning leader of the snow rescuers. 

A certain man of the village named Morascono- 
blents had been chosen Judiscoschneyfeu for a 
number of years, but another man named Wauk- 
oronovitch, who had held several appointments of 
^ subordinate character in the village, aspired to 



66 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

the honor of being Jtidiscotchneyfeu. 

As he was a good fellow, "Hail fellow, well 
met," with all classes of the eitizens of the village, 
he had become quite popular with a certain class 
of the villagers, and had quite a following among 
them who urged, with great vehemency, his ap- 
pointment. So the Czar agreed that these two 
men should make the race to test their skill on 
snow shoes, promising that whichever one reached 
the goal first should receive the appointment. 

The day for the race was set, and on the morn- 
ing appointed, they set out on the race. 

Now it happened that the contestants were al- 
lowed a rest at a certain point on the way to the 
goal — and at this resting place on the way, quite 
a number of adherents of both contestants had as- 
sembled. And while the contestants were resting, 
having taken off their snow shoes, some of the 
friends of Waukoronovitch stole the snow shoes of 
Morasconoblents and made off with them, and 
when the time for starting again arrived Mora- 
sconoblents' snow shoes could not be found, while 
Waukoronovitch started off in great glee, leaving 
his competitor in a sorr}^ plight. But one of his 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 67 

friends produced a pair of snow shoes much too 
large for him, which he put on and started after 
his fast disappearing competitor, and, being a very 
expert traveler on snow shoes, made such good 
headwa3^ even with the snow shoes he had — much 
too large for him as they were — that he almost 
overtook Waukoronovitch before he reached the 
goal; so the judges, appointed by the Czar, decided 
that Waukoronovitch had won the race, and was 
the proper man for the Czar to appoint as Judis- 
coscheyfeu. 

Feeling outraged at the way he had been treated, 
Morasconoblents appealed to the Czar to set aside 
the decision of the judges, asking that an investiga- 
tion ofthe methods by which he had been defeated 
be had, and further charging that Waukoronovicth 
had not been exactly square in his disposal of 
the money belonging to the village which had 
come into his hands. 

So the Czar appointed an investigating com- 
mittee of the villagers to examine into the accounts 
of Waukoronovitch and report on their condition, 
which was done, and also the methods by wdiich 
lie had w^on. Meanwhile, Waukoronovitch, who 



68 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

was a man of consicleraljle fortune, turned over to 
the authorities of the village quite a snug little 
sum which he had inadvertently retained in his 
possession, thinking, so he explained, he had the 
right under the law to do so. 

As before stated, Waukoronovitch being a good 
fellow^ a man of wealth, and having a large circle 
of wealthy and influential relatives and friends, 
the committee made their report, criticising his 
negligence in handling the public moneys, as also 
the means by which he had won the race. 

After these proceedings had all been had, and it 
having been proven that the friends of Waukorono- 
vitch had stolen the snow shoes of Morascono- 
blents, thereby causing his defeat in the race to the 
goal, he appealed to the Czar to give him the ap- 
pointment as Judiscoscheyfeu. whereupon, Wau- 
koronovitch proposed that inasmuch as the friends 
of Morasconoblents tried to steal his snow shoes, 
had they not been prevented by the more adroit 
friends of his, that both he and Morasconoblents 
retire from the contest of Judiscoscheyfeu and let 
some (^ther man of the village be appointed by the 
Czar—to which Morasconoblents replied: Let 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS G9 

Waukoronovitcli makes pecific charges of corru]3t 
practices by nie and my friends, and produce his 
witnesses and we will make our answer thereto. 

This so angered Waukoronovitcli that he met 
Morasconoblents and knocked him in the he.-id 
with a featherduster, for wdiich he was hauled up 
before the tribunal of Justice and fined five roubles, 
and the Czar, after hearing both sides of the ques- 
tion, appointed Morasconoblents to be Judiscos- 
cheyfeu. 



The White Man's Burden. 

Take up the white man's burden ? 

Why should we take it, pray ? 
Are white men bound by duty 

Poor savages to slay 
That greedy corporations 

Rich coffers be refilled 
At cost of white man's treasure, 

And blood of white men spilled ? 

Take up the wdiite man's burden ! 

Why blame you then the Turk ? 
Whose rifle, sword and Koran 

Do missionery work; 
He only kills the infidels 

Who will not quite agree 
To swallow all his doctrines, 

But persists in being free. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Take np the white man's burden ? 

Is this the hiw of love 
The Meek and Lowlj Nazarine 

Taught in Judean groves? 
Is 't thus you spread the gospel ? 

Will God award a erown 
For Christianizing heathen 

By shooting of them down ? 

Take up the white man's burden ? 

Then lay it down again, 
Nor let such cruel doctrine 

Defile thy honest pen 
To bolster up McKinley 

And furnish a pretense 
For slaught'ring Filipinos 

Sans reason, rli3^me or sense. 

Has "white man's" starry banner- 
Proud ensign of the free. 

Become the pirate's guidon — 
Em])lem of cruelty? 

Then let us shroud "Old Glory" 
In gloom of darkest night, 

Nor be its shining folds again 
Unfurled in freedom's light. 



I^HYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 71 



Austin, 

The fairest cit}^ in the South, 

Enthroned upon her scvtii hills, 
No longer sits in dumb despair 

And mourns o'er past or present ills. 
But like a ''giant, with new wine 

Refreshed,'' arises in the night; 
Shakes slumber from her drowsy lids 

And turns her lace toward the lioht. 

Already famed throughout the land 

For culture, pktj and health. 
Ambitious grown, she now aspires 

To be, as well, renowned for wealth; 
Her opportunities are great. 

Too long in supine ease, she's lain; 
Her sons, now grappling with their fate, 

Struggle for glory and for gain. 

No foreign foe, with tentacles 

Like Devil fish, upon its prey. 
Fixed firmly on her vitals, can 

Her substance longer drain awa}^ 
Nor recreant sons, themselves grown rich, 

Her progress longer hold at bay; 
Young manhood now has seized the reins, 

And "forward" is the word to-dav. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Bold Colorado's wasted strength, 

Now rushing onward to the Main; 
By granite barriers \vill be sta^^ed, 

And tribute from her we'll obtain; 
The busy hum of shaft and wheel, 

"The music of the spheres," express; 
While capital and industr^^ 

Hands joined, Avill then compel success. 

And commerce, then the bnsy mart 

Of trade, will throng the bustling streets, 
And w^ealth w^ill to all coffers flow, 

As rivers, where the waters meet. 
Content will smile at every hearth; 

While plenty rules at every board; 
Each frugal family, then will have. 

Its larder, wnth provisions stared. 

These prophecies will be fulfilled, 

As certain as they now are made 
Then, welcome to our prosperous town, 

The Jovial ''Tin Bucket Brigade''— 
Nor let the dismal rant and whine 

0{ doubters cause the least dismay 
"Progress" our motto — On, ye brave! — 

Behold the approach of breaking day. 




RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 73 



Remember the Maine, 

March on, ye valiant soldiers, 

Poor Cuba now to free 
From Spanish domination — 

Fair island of the sea, 
Of battle cry and battle song 

Let this be the refrain, 
*'VivalaCubalibre!" 

"Remember now the Maine!" 

Though hardships may await you, 

Though dangers thick may frown, 
Though sickness may overtake you, 

E'en death may strike 3^ou down— 
Your country now has called you 

Her honor to maintain; 
Cry, "Viva Cuba libre!" 

Remember then "the Maine." 

While camped amid banana groves, 

Or climbing verdant hills; 
While crossing raging torrents, 

Erstwhile but rippling rills — 
Aye, even in the battle's front. 

Though balls flv thick, like rain, 
Cry, "YivaCuba''libre!" 

Remember still "the Maine." 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

And when the war is over, 

And Yictor_v at last 
Has perched upon 3'our banners, 

Hardships and dangers past, 
And ye with happ3' hearts returned 

Unto your homes n^^iin, 
You have hberated Cuba 

And well aveno:ed "the Maine." 




RPIYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS ^5 

The Telephone Gir L 

Yoti may sing of your sunny haired lassies — 

With e3'es of celestial blue — 
Whose lips are like petals of roses 

And cheeks of the lily's pale hue; 
Or may rave over dark senoritas 

With teeth like the brightest of pearl; 
But they can not compare with the daisy— 

The beautiful telephone girl. 

You may laud the bright girls of Italia; 

The maidens of Russia or France — 
The Irish, the German, the Danish, 

The Moorish, who mdt in a glance — 
You may range the green earth from the tropics 

Of Inde to the end of the w^orld; 
You'll find none can compare with the daisy — 

The incomparable telephone girl. 

Her eyes may be black, blue or hazel— 

Her cheeks may be dark, pink or fair; 
Her face may be round, square or oval, 

No matter what color her hair. 
Her lips are with honey dew laden — 

She sets heart and brain in a w^hirl; 
She's the brightest and sweetest and cutest— 

The da^'ling— the telephone girl. 

CHORUS : 

Then hurrah for the girl at the *' Central" 
Who sets brain and heart in a whirl — 

The brighest and sweetest and cutest— 
The darling— the telephone girl. 



76 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

The Electric Cars Interrogafed and Their An- 
swer Thereto, 

Hail ! Thou' monumental m_vstcry ! 

Thou mighty marvel of majestic motion ! 
Hast thou an ancient and eventful history? 

Or art thou but a modern "Yankee notion?" 
Art thou survival of the olden Pachydermo; — 
Contemporaneous with the monster mastodon? 
To the Ichthyosaurus art tliou cousin german? 
To the Plesiosaurus art thou distant km? — 
Canst thou discourse upon the time 
When gaint ferns the sodden banks 
Of sluggish rivers did eml)ower? — 
When, upon the tropic vsides of what is now 
Hyperborean Alaskan mountains, 
The stately palm its feathery fingers 
Waved to sweltering man a welcome 
To its cooling shades? 

Or art thou 
But a thing of yesterday'— a creature 
Evolved from l^igmy brain of present generation? 

The answer to these interrogations comes 

In accents eloquent — with learning ripe — 
"I was built in St. Louis, 

And am run bj^ Shipe, 
And, for a nickle, you can take a ride 
Out to the park that is surnamed 'Hyde,' 
Where lots are sold so very, ver3^ chenp, 
'Twill pay to buy them, to either sell or keep, 
Lashions of money can be made, 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 77 

If you and Shipe can but make a trade 

Or, if you prefer to aceept his offer, 

And will build a house, out ot your own coffer, 

Upon the lot which he will present joUy 

He'll give you one— this should content you." 



Dreyfus, 

Dramatic France is in the throes 

Of lever, worse than typhus — 
The people all are in a stew 

About a Jew named Dreyfus. 
It seems the army made a plot 

With Esterhazy — sly cuss — 
To blast the fame and fair, good name 

01 honest Alfred Dreyfus. 
The "bordereau" (though what this is, 

I'm willing tb confess it, 
And dossier too, their meaning, I 

Could never even guess it) 
They both, it seems, were filled with lies. 

To prove this Jew a traitor, 
By letters forged — though I protest 

The forgers were the greater — 
And so they organized a court 

To try this Jew for treason — 
And sent him off to "Devil's Isle" 

Without a show of reason. 
But "Truth, though crushed to earth, will 
rise," 

"Her years, tliey are eternal," 
And wicked plot will overthrow, 

Though planned by the Infernal, 



78 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Brave Zola, with his gifted pen 

Set honest men to thinking, 
They rescued Dreyfus from the den 

Where hfe and hope are sinking. 
And brought him back to France cigain 

To give him a new trial. 
And sift the evidence, to prove 

The truth of his denial, 
Of treason in its slightest form. 

Though perjurers may swear it — 
And letters forged in *'l3ordereau" 

And "dossier" both declare it. 
And Justice, let us hope, though blind. 

Will not refuse to see it. 
And treason's shame from off the name 

Ot Dre^^fus soon will free it. 



Repudiation. 

Should fortune favor you with smiles, 
'Twould be no degradation 

To recompense her with the crv 
Of Bold "Repudiation." 

Should 3^ou desire to build a house 

Without the expectation 
Of paying for it with the cash. 

Just try "repudiation." 

Or should your grocer furnish "grub" 
For you and 3'our relations. 

The butcher furnish you with meat, 
Pay with "Repudiation," 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 79 

If 3^ou should buy a ton of coal, 

Submit to conflagration 
The load for which you promised cash, 

Then try "Repudiation." 

Should the doctor cure your mother-in-law 

And all j^our wife's relations. 
The proper caper then w^onld be 

To adopt "Repudiation." 

And when you come to pay the debt 

Of death and sure damnation, 
You'll find that you have Imilt your life 

Upon a slim foundation. 

For they are both inexorable; 
Brook no equivocation; 

The utmost farthing they collect- 
Here's no repudiation. 



How To Manidge A Husbun. 

BY JEMIMA JENKINS. 

Seein so many young gals a marryin now a 
days, that don't seem to know^ rightly how to 
manidge their husbuns, moves me to advise the 
young things how^ to get along an not be teetolly 
deprived of all the liberties a free born American 
woman is entitled to in thivS "land of the free and 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 80 

home of the brave"— as the books have it, and if 
there is anybody calcerlated to give advice on the 
subject of manidgin husbuns,its me seein I've had 
five. Three dead and two divorced, drat em! An 
me not forty, yet! 

An the best way to make advice effective, I take 
it, is to write out m3^ experience in the Hne of hus- 
bun manidgin, an the best way to write out these 
experiences, is to begin at the beginnin, so to speak. 

I was a strong, health}^ hearty gal of twenty- 
four, when I married Hiram Jarrel; who was 
twenty-eight, an who had been Hvin on his own 
hundred acre farm since he was twenty-one. 

Hiram was a tall, broad-shouldered lad, with 
arms hke a prize fighters, and legs that seemed like 
they could stan up under a ton of coal, so big an 
strong they looked. He was over six feet high, an 
the finest lookin man in the country an the fore 
handiest an all the gals in the neighborhood 
had sot their caps for him, as the sayin is. But, 
law! he was the bashl'ullest feller among the gals 
I ever seed. 

How I come to get him, is "another story," as 
the books say, which I may wx'ite out some day 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 81 

for the papers, to show the 3^oung gals how to get 
a husbuii when they want one real bad. 

One reason I wanted Hiram, was because the 
first letter in his last name was ''J," same as mine, 
which was Jenkins, because I'd always hearn that 
to 

* 'Change the name an not the letter" 
''Makes the marridge always better." 

Well, we was married an I went to Hiram's 
house and I soon seed I'd have to stan up for my 
rights pretty strong, or I'd just be sot down on, 
as the sayin goes, and that was somethin I'd 
never let anybody do. (If there was to be any- 
body sot on, I genurly did the sittin.) 

The first real spat me an Hiram had was when 
Hiram wanted to spend twenty dollars for a suit 
of close for himself. I kno wed, by a little manage- 
ment, he could get a suit that would look almost 
as well, for ten or twelve dollars, an just to throw 
away eight or ten dollars that way didn't suit my 
notions of economy at all. 

But Hiram was dead sot on gittin that suit of 
close, an I was jest as dead sot he shouldn't. So 
\ve argud an argud, Hiram sayin the close he 



82 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

wanted to get ''would look good three or four 
years, an the ones I wanted him to get would fade 
out in the first rain, an wouldn't be fit for a dog 
to wear." "Well," I said, "a dog wont /ja veto wear 
em. You don't call yourself a dog I hope!" 

That kinder fetched him, but he ''pulled hisself 
together," as the sa^an goes, and said, "no I don't 
call myself a dog; but it seems like 3^ou want me 
to look like one, with that old shoddy suit on. And 
I jest. won't wear it." That kinder made me mad, 
an I said, "you jest will wear that suit, or you 
won't wear none. So there!" An he said, "so! 
you'll make a dog of me, whether or no. Make 
me go roun without any close on." That kinder 
tickled me, an I could hardlr keep from laffin, but 
I knowd if I give in then, I'd never have my own 
way no more. So I jest bust out a cr34ng and 
said: "Oh well, go on an w^aste our money as fast 
as you please, an when you get in the poor-house, 
I guess you'll be satisfied, but I know^ what you 
want that fine suit of close for. You want to look 
fine and gran, so as that fluffy haired, baby faced 
Mintie McClintock will admire you, as she has 
been a doin ever since we was married," That 



RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 83 

was a lie an I knowd it, but Iknowd any lusion to 
Mintie McClintock would set him off, an he'd go 
off an sulk for an hour or two, an sometimes for 
a whole day, an when he'd come in, he'd look glum 
as an old shoe, as the sayin is. 

Well! '/to make a long story short," as people 
say, I had my ow n way, and went an bought the 
cheap suit of close, an Hiram looked real nice in 
em at first, an after that whenever any argument 
would come up an I could'nt hold my own in it, 
I'd jest jafc him with "Mintie McClintock," an 
I'd always get my own way. You see Mintie Mc- 
Clintock figgers in the story I'm to write about 

"how I GOT HIRAM JARREL." 

Well, things run this ^^ay a little more than 
two years an a half— but I'd always have things 
my way, an if he wanted to do any thing one way, 
I'd be sure to want to do them another, just to 
show him I was boss of that house. You see it 
wont do to be too yieldin to a husbun, or else 
you wont never get your own way about notions. 
But Hiram was right good to me about some 
things, I must say that for him, 



84 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

111 the spring and summer time, he'd take me to 
meetin in the buggy, an in the winter, when the 
frost was hard, he'd take me in the cutter, an I'd 
mend his close an keep em in apple pie order, as 
the savin is, an I'd keep the house as neat and tidy 
as any house in the country, if I do say it myself, 
an especially I'd keep the ''best room'' in fine fix. 
The glass in the windows shined like polished 
mirrors, so to speak, an as for bugs, or dust, }• ou 
could'nt find either about the place, an I kept the 
floors scoured clean enough that they looked like 
you might eat offen em. 

But Hiram made my life a burden by his on- 
thoughtedness. He'd come into the house with 
his shoes wet an walk over the floors an leave a 
track wherever he'd put his foot down; and I'd 
scold him for it, but he'd say, ''how can I help 
leavin' wet places on the floor, since shoes will get 
wet when the groun is wet an muddy. I scraped the 
mud offen em on the scraper and wiped em on the 
mat at the door, but scrapers an mats wont dry 
the shoes so as they wont mark the floor." "Well 
stay out doors then til your shoes get dr^^" says 
I. An I was a main good han at double weavin, 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 85 

of all kinds, especially county pins.* I liad fifteen, 
all diffent patterns, put away in lavender in the 
big close box Hiram had made me the first year 
we was married. 

So as I said things had rim along this \\i\y a 
iittle more than two years an a half, when one 
Simday mornin along in October, Hiram an me 
went in the buggj^ to meetin, an the weather was 
cold enough to make fires feel comfortable like. 

But the church folks had neglected to get anv 
wood for the stove, an the meetin house was as 
cold as an ice box, an we was all sittin there 
shiverin like, when who should come in but Min- 
tie McClintock an her aunt that she was stay in 
with. You see Mintie had gone away as soon as 
me an Hiram married, an this was the first time 
that she had been tomeet in since she come back, an 
soon as Hiram seed her he first turned red an then 
white, an Mintie, she looked fit to faint, but her 
aunt who w^as holdin to her arm, giv it a squeeze 
an she kinder pulled herself together like an went 
on an took a seat near the first row of benches, an 
after she sot down, she pulled her vail down over 

*I suspect Mrs. Jenkins means countcrpins.— Ed. 



§6 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

her face, an ever)" once in awhile she'd kinder 
shiver Hke an at last she just keeled over an fainted. 
Soon as Hiram seed that, he jumped up an made 
as if he v^^as goin to her, but I cotch him by his 
coat tail an I says, "set down you fool, don't you 
know its a woman's place to go to help a woman j 
when she faints?" And with that he sot down, an 
the wimmin gathered roun Mnitie an some of 
em unloosed her corsit, some rubbed her hans, an 
some of em stuck their harts horn bottles to her ' 
nose, an after so long a time they fotch her to, an 
then Mintie an her aunt got into the carry-all (I 
called it, but Mintie's aunt called it sirrah, what 
for I don't know), an went home. 

After meetin was over, me an Hiram got into 
the buggy an went home, neither ofus say in much, 
an after we'd eat our cold dinner an Hiram had 
laed all the critters, we both went to bed. 

That night it clouded up an turned real cold, an 
next mornin it was spittinsnow wheni got up, an 
after I had rousted out Hiram he made the fires an 
went out to feed the critters, an when he come in 
I had breakfast all ready, and we sot down an cat 
it, I went an washed the dishes an put em away, 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRArS 87 

tidied up the kitehen an then went in and made up 
the bed an tidied up the rooms an Hiram was still 
settin roun doin nothin, an I says, ''Hiram, ain't 
3^ou goin to work today?" an he says, "no I don't 
tliink I shall, there ain't much to do an I'm not 
feelin well this mornin an its goin to be Intter cold 
before night." "Bitter cold!" sa3''s I, "whoever 
hearn tell of its bein bitter cold in October? It 
looks more like rain," saj^s I "than it does like bein 
cold an that corn down by the medder lot is on 
the groun, an if it rains it will be spilt." 

"It wont rain as long as it sta3^s as cold as it is 
now," says Hiram, "an I'm not goin out in this 
weather to work when there is no need of it." 
"Hiram Jarrel!" says I, "with all your aggravit- 
ness, I never thought you w^as Inzvy but if you 
don't go an get m that corn I shall think you are 
either lazy or are grievin for that fluffy haired 
huzz3%Mintie McClintoek. You ain't looked like 
3'ourself since you seed her yesterda3^'" With that 
he flung hisself out of the door mutterin somthin 
like "dam, I wish I never had seed 3'ou." 

So that was the last I seed of Hiram til long 
'bout noon time. I was in the weavin room, pat- 



88 RHYMliS AND OTHER SCRAPS 

tin in a web of dimity I was goin to weave into 
county pins. I had got the web all rolled on the 
beam Saturday when Hiram w^as there to turn the 
beam for me while I held the warp in place an kept 
it smooth' on the beam, an I had got the threads 
all through the harnesses an was thread in it 
through the sley when Hiram come in an scein me 
in the weavin room an no dinner on a cookin, he 
says, quiet like, ''Jemima, when are we goin to 
have dinner? I ain't much hungry, but I feel like 
I was cold clean to the marrow in my bones an I 
want a cup of hot strong coffee as soon as I can 
get it." I says, "you wont get no hot coffee nor 
hot dinner neither today; I'm busy threadin my 
dimity web through the sley an if I stop now to 
get dinner I'll forget the figger; there is that cold 
boiled ham in the cupboard left over from Satur- 
day an plenty of bread and milk an butter in the 
spring house; you get that out an eat it; but, for 
goodness sake, don't drop anj^ meat on the floor 
to make a grease spot for me to have to get down 
on my knees to scour up." 

"I don't want any cold vittles" says he. "I 
only w^ant a cup of hot coffee; if 3'ou can't make 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 89 

it for me, give me the key to the store room an I'll 
make a pot of it myself." ''Not much you won't," 
says I. ''Catch me lettin you go mussin roun in 
my kitchen, blackin up the things an mussin up 
things generally an me slavin myself to death try- 
in to make an keep things decent like. There's 
plenty of cold vittles in the cupboard an if you 
can't eat a cold dinner once in a while, as I am 
goin to do when I'm too busy to cook a hot one, 
you can jist go without any, so there! I guess 
you ain't no better than I am, if Mintie McClin- 
tock is so dead stuck on you (an you a married 
man at that) she has to faint every time she sees 
you." 

So he turned away an puttin his han on his side 
like, went in the house an I went on threadin in 
my dimity. After so long a time I got it in the 
sley all right an by that time I was feelin pretty 
hungry, so I went into the dinin room aimin to 
eat my cold dinner; when I got in therelhearnthe 
affullest groanin noise in the bedroom, an I went 
in to see what the matter was, an there was 
Hiram stretched out on the bed makin all sorts of 
noise. 



90 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

''Whatever is the matter with yon Hiram? says 
I. "You are taken on as bad as if the best eow in 
the barn was dead." An Hiram says, ''Mintie, I 
mean Jemima, I've got an awful pain in my side 
an breast. Hitch one of the horses to the buggy 
an drive to town as fast as you can an fetch Doc- 
tor Scott as quick as^j^ou can, I beheve I've got 
lung fever." "Catch me payin out good money to 
Doctor Scott or any other doctor," says I, "for a 
little cold like that." So I goes to the kitchen an 
soon has a roarin fire in the stove an a kettle of 
water a bilin, an I pours out a wash basin of it an 
takes some towels an goes into the house an 
wrings the towels out of that bilin w^ater, most 
blisterin m3^ bans a doin it, an put them on Hiram's 
side an breast an when they'd begin to get cool, I'd 
wring em out of the hot water cin putem on again 
an after a while Hiram began to get easy like an 
dropped off to sleep, So when he went to sleep I 
went an eat my cold snack, aimin to go ])ack an 
change the cloths before they'd get cold, but alter 
I got to eaten I got to thinkiw about somethln 
else an went on an was tidy in up the kitchen; 
when all at once I hearn the aw^fullest scrcach, an 



l^HYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 01 

then I hearn Hiram sa}^ wild like, "tain't so, is it 
Mintie? You never said I was your pet bear, an 
you had a ring in m^^ nose, leadin me aroun; did 
you Mintie? An it was all that she devil's lies, 
wan't it?" Well the first thought that come to 
me was that Mintie had come sneakin into the 
room an she an Hiram w^as there a backbitin me 
behind my back. So I just flew into the house, 
ready to do battle wnth both of em. But lo! an 
behold! when I got there, there was no Mintie 
there; only Hiram sit tin up in the bed with his 
eyes starin like they^d pop outer his head an his 
cheeks As red as coals of fire and him craz^^ with 
fever, an I w-ent to him and the tow^els I'd put on 
him hot, had got cold w^hile I was out, and the 
fresh cold he had got, had almost choked up his 
lungs an had nigh stopped his breathin. I was 
good scared then if I never was before. So I seized 
the dinner horn an run out into the yard and give 
two sharp, shrill blasts on it. This was signal for 
his folks that lived about a half mile away; that 
w^e'd agree on, when an}^ thing happened an we 
wanted them to come quick, an it wan't but a few 
minutes before here come old man Jarrel with his 



92 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

horse on a keen run. He'd been to town an had 
jest rode up to his gate when he hearn the signal, 
so he never got down, but come right on. 

As soon as he come up I run out to meet him an 
said, "ride back to town just as fast as you can an 
fetch Doctor Scott, Ilh'am's had a fit ( r somethin 
an is nigh about dead." So without gettin down 
offen his boss, ohl Mr. Jarrel started back to town 
with his boss in a dead run again. 

Prett3^ soon okl Missis Jerrel an Hiram's sister, 
Tabitha, come a runnin up, both of em puffin hke 
porpusses. An soon as okl Miss Jarrel seed Hiram, 
she turned on me nn said: "This is your work 
Jemima Jenkins there lies the finest specimen of 
fizzical manhood ever born of a woman, jest done 
to death hy a mean, overl^carin, contrary, liard- 
hearted, stiff necked, selfish, soulless, Godless 
woman." 

I w^as feelin pretty mean because I had forgot to 
change the towels on Hiram, Imt I never was a 
woman to allow <an\d)ody to abuse me without 
fitin back. So I says, "Miss Jarrel, Hiram is your 
son, an a fine man he was, I'll say for liim an 
for 3^ou, an I can't blame you for feelin cut up at 



RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 



93 



seen him so bed, but even if you are his mother an 
it he was twice the man he is, )'oti shan't come 
liere to my own house an call me names. Nobody 
can sa^^ I wan't a good wife to Hiram. His house 
was as well kept as any in the countr}-, if I do say 
it as ought'nt; an his close was mended neat an 
his vittles was cooked good an his money not 
squandered for finery for m3^self, like a many a one 
would have done, an what more would you have? 
So there! 

An all this time Tabitha, Hiram's sister, was leanin 
over him on the bvd an her arms aroun his neck 
an he a sayin between gasps like. "Its all-right-no w 
Min tie- we-un-der--s tan-each-other- at-last-d on' t- 
we-dear-an-that-she~devil-can't--come-atween-us- 
wMth-her-lies-to-part-us-any-more-can-she-darlin?" 
An a smile crept over his face and he gave one 
shiverin sigh and then all was still, an he was gone, 
thinkin seeminly that he had died with Mintie in 
his arms. And Tabitha was a sobbin like her heart 
was breakin an old Miss Jarrel w^as wringin her 
hans and takin on awful, an I jest flopped down 
in the floor and cried good an honest for once in 
my life, an I felt so mean an cut up seein Hiram go 



94 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

like he did an knowin what I'd done to get him, 
that I believe if old Miss Jarrel had called me a 
shs devil then, I'd a felt Hke she was a doin me a 
kindness, an I'd a never said a word den^an it. 

A few minutes after the last breath left Hiram, 
old Mr. Jarrel an' Doctor Scott rode up to the gate, 
their hosses both in a lather of foam, cold as the 
day was, an' they both got down offen their hosses 
an' come a runnin' into the house, an' as soon as 
Doctor Scott give one look at the dead face of 
Hiram, he said— "too late." 

An' then doctor Scott went up to the bed where 
Hiram was, an' ver^^ genth^ unboosed his arms 
from roun, Tabitha's neck, an' laid 'em across his 
breast an' closed his e3'es, an' then he felt his side, 
an' old Mr. Jarrel says, ''what do you think ailed 
him doctor?" an' the doctor said, ''New Money*'' 
As I said before, I was feelin' awful bad because I 
hadn't stopped my work an' made the coffee for 
him, but la, who'd a thought a big, strong man 
like Hiram w^as would a up an' died for a little 
thing like that? 
Well, the neighbors come in an' fixed Hiram for 

* Miss Jenkins doubtless means Pnewhicuia-Bd, 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 95 

bury in', an' the next clay they buried him, an' I 
felt terrible bad, an' old Mrs. Jarrel seein' me take 
on so, she come up to me an' said, "Jemima, I 
hadn't ought to a said what I did to you yester- 
day; try an' forget it;" an' I said, "O! Miss Jarrel, 
you didn't say a thing about me worse an' I feel; 
I can see now, when it's too late, how on worthy 
I was of so good a man as Hiram was." An' 
that's the way I manidged him. 

If this is printed I'll tell in my next how I got, 
an' how I manidged my secon husbun'. 

Jemima Jenkins. 



How I Got My Secon Husbun', An How I 
Manidged Him, 



BY JEMIMA JENKINS. 

Well! my last pece bein' printed, I'll now purceed 
to fill my promis' 'bout 'ritin "how I got, an' how 
I manidged my secon' husbun." 

After Hiram was berrid, Bitha, Hiram's sister, 
went home with me to stay a few days 'til I cud 
git someboddy to stay with me an' 'tend to things 
'rouu' the pUice, 



96 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

It was orful lonesum like, to go home an' not 
have Hiram there to make the fire, feed the crit- 
ters, an' do the chores 'roun' the hous', an' 'spite 
of all Bitha cud do to pick me up, I got orful lov^- 
sperited. 

Seemed like I'd alius be lookin' to see Hiram 
comin' in; an' I'd seem to be list'nin' for his fut 
step on the poarch, an' often I'd ketch m3^self git- 
tin' up to go an' tell him to be mitey keerful to 
wipe his feet good before he cum in the hous', an' 
when I'd think ^'He^ 11 never cam back no more^^ — 
I'd jest brake down an' cr}^ real hard. At sech 
times, Bitha'd cum an' set down by me an' try to say 
sumethin cumfortin' like, an' then she'd bust out a 
cryin' an' 'tw^ould seem like that sence Hiram 
was dead ther' wa'n't noboddy els' a livin'. 

Well, things run along this w^ay fur 'bout two 
weeks, an' I'd got kinder uste to not seein' Hiram 
'roun', an' Bitha's mother tuck sick with in- 
fluenzy, an' she had to go home an' wait on her, 
an' I went over to the pore hous' an' got a boy 
named Jim Morgan to cum an' du np the things 
'roun' the place' an' help 'roun' the hous'. 

I guess Jim Morgan was the orneryest lookin' 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 97 

chap you ever seed. He was 'bout fifteen year old; 
but he wa'n't no bigger'n a common ten year old 
boy, an' his close was a site to behold. Nun of em 
was ever made fur him, an' they was "tatte'd an' 
torn" like the "beggar's" that ''kist the maid, all 
forlorn" that the books tell about. 

He said he cum from somewhere near the sea, 
that his father went off in a big ship when he was 
only a little teentsy weentsy feller, an' that when 
he was ten years old his mother died, an' the folks 
sent him to the pore hous', an' the peeple beat an 
starved him so, he run away, an' he got in with 
sum tramps, and they wanted him to steal sum- 
thing', an' he wu'dn't du it, an' they beat him, an' 
he run away from them an' had got close to the 
town that I lived clos by, an' had fell down with 
cold an' hunger, an' was ni 'bout ded when Sa- 
mantha Jones foun' him as she was goin' home in 
her pony kirridge. She took him up an' tuk him 
home with her to her father's, the decon's, aimin' 
to keep him there 'til he got well an' strong; but 
the decon wuddent have it that a way a tall. He 
sed noboddy cuddent bring no tramps to his hous' 
to mebbe steal sumthin as soon as he got his belly 



93 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

fill of vittlcs, SO Samantlia had to take him to' 
the pore hous', an' there's where I foun' him. 

The folks at the pore hous' was mity glad to git 
shed of him, seein' they had as many of their own 
pore as they end majiidge. 

Well, as I was a sain'. I tuk Jim home with me, 
an' cut up sum of Hiram's cloas an' made sum fur 
him, an' got him a hat, an' a pair of shoes, an' 
when he got sum flesh on his bones, an' got his 
yaller curl^^ hair combed out he was a real nice 
lukin feller, an' fur all he was so little he was a 
real handy feller 'roun' the ])laee — not strong like 
Hiram was, but willin' to do anythin' he cud, an' 
as nice an' clean in his ways as a gal with her fust 
beau. 

So me an' Jim got along thru the winter purty 
well, considerin', an' in the spring, old Mister 
Jarrel advised me to rent the farm to a Mister 
Senter, wdio had papers from sum folks that old 
Mister Jarrel knowcd, that said he knowed all 
'bout manidgin' a farm, an' that he had owned a 
nice place that sum boddy had tuk away from 
him with a morgidge after he had paid fur it once, 
an' made a nice place of it. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 1)9 

So me an' Mister Senter made a bargin, an' 
Mister Jarrel let him live in one of his houses. 

So, long 'bout nex June, after I'd got into my 
seccon' mournin' an' had begun to go 'roun' to 
places, I went to a singin skool, that the singin' 
master was jest endin' up a sesshun of which I had 
a invite to 'long with 'bout every boddy els in the 
nayburhud. 

Nimrod Jourdin was the singin' master's name 
an' he was skool master, as well as a singin mas- 
ter. 

He teached skool five daysin the week,anborded 
'roun' with the skollars, an' on Saturdays he'd 
teach his singin skool. 

Mr. Jourdin was a orful nice man. He shaved 
hisself every mornin' an' wore his hair parted 'way 
down on one side ot his head, an' talked as nice as 
a member of congress, an' wore store cloas every 
day, an' kep hisself sinted an' purfumed 'til he 
smelt like a barber shop, an' all the gals in the 
na3d3urhud was just ''dead stuck on him," as the 
say in' is. • 

As I was sayin, I was at the singin' that day, 
^n after singin was over, I seed him an Bitha 

LofC. 



100 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Jarrel talkin, together, low-like, an I sez to myself, 
*'I wonder if Bitha Jarrel has been buvitchcd by 
that singin master, like all the other gals roun 
here 'pear to be. 'Twa'n't like Bitha to do a 
thing like that, for if ever there^ was a level headed, 
chrischun hearted, honest gal, it is Bitha Jarrel. 
She was engaged to be marrid to Ben Woodard, 
Squire Woodard's oldest boy, in the fall, an Ben 
was aimin to build a hous on a hunderd acres of 
groun that the squire had give him off of his farm, 
that summer, so they cud move into it as soon as 
they was marrid — as I was say in — I seed Mister 
Jourdin a talkin low-like to Bitha, an I hcarn her 
say sumethin like ''I'll see," an she started over to 
where I was a stan'in. Jourdin follerin along be- 
hin like, and when she got up to where I was a 
stanin, she sez, "Jemima, Mister Jourdin wants to 
be interjuced to you, have yon any dejections?'* 
I sez ''no, I hain't no dejections, seeins he's a frend 
of yourn." 

With that Bitha turned roun an moshund to 
him an he cnm up, and Bitha sez: "Missis Jarrel — 
Mister Jourdin," an I kinder bowed like, an he bent 
over til I thot he w^as goin to bump his iiQse agir; 



RHVMfiS AND OTiiER SCRAPS 101 

the floor, an sez, *'I'm proud an happy to know 
you Missis Jarrel; I've been vvantin a interjucshun 
to you ever sense I hearn you rich counter alto 
voice, singin in the mcetin hous a spell ago." 

I sez, "O! go long with 3^our foolin. Mister Jour- 
din, you're jest like all the men, you can never see 
a gal, but v^hat you try to make her think you 
think she's puftecshun itself, an you do'n't mean a 
word of it." He sez, "You 'rong me Missis Jarrel, 
I'm cander itself," an I sez, "you may be cniider, 
but you haven't candied. You're too saft for 
that," an with that Jourdin he cullerrd up an 
dident know what to say, an Bitha jest laft fit to 
split her corsits. But Jourdin pulled hisself to- 
gether purty soon, and sez, "very good, Missis 
Jarrel, you are kizzical, I diddent know you was 
so apt at repport tay^'^ an he wen ton an sez, "But 
about the singin, Missis Jarrel? Wont you jine the 
class?" "Well, mebbe so," sez I, "How much 
does it cost?" "Oh," he sez, "only two dollars 
for twenty lessons, an I could not ufford to teach 
so cheap if twa'n't for my week skool." 

I sez, "well Mister Jourdin, I guess I'd as well 
jine as not." So he put my name down, an nex 



102 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Saturday I was there, an he put me on the counter, 
and that made all the rest of the gals mad, be- 
cause all of em wanted to sing that part; an most 
of em cuddent no more sing it than a pig cud, but 
Jourdin held em dowm to their work purty well; 
because he w^as a purty good manidger, besides 
most of the gals was afraid to kick outin the 
traces, as the sayin is, for fear they'd make Jour- 
din mad, an I do believe in my soul that ever^^ one 
of em thought she was goin to get the singin mas- 
ter fur a husbun. So I went on to the singin til 
the skool was a most out, an one day Mister 
Jourdin asked me to let him take me home in his 
bugg}^ an let Jim take mine home. So I told*'*Jim 
to go long home as fast as he cud an have a big 
fire in the stove an some watter on in the kettle a 
bilin agin I got there. 

An Mister Jourdin an me went along slow-like 
in his buggy, an when he'd try to turn the talk 
the way he wanted it to go, I'd turn it off sum 
other way, an we went all the way see sawnn like 
til at last we got home, an when we driv up to 
the gate, Mister Jourdin he hopped out an helped 
me out, an I told him to tic the hoss an cum in, I 



RHYMHvS AND OTIIHR SCRAPS 18 

was goin to run along in an git sum dinner fur us. 

So I run into tlie hous' an' wliipped on a apron an' 
went into the kitehen an' put on sum coffee to 
bile an' when Mister Jourdin got on the poarcli. 
I hollued from the kitchen fur him to go into the 
iious' an' I'd have dinner reddy in a jiffy. 

Purt\' sune I told Mister Jourdin an' Jim to cum 
into dinner an' after dinner I told Mister Jourdin 
to go into the l)est room an' 'muse hissilf with the 
buks an' i^icturstil I tidiedupthe kitchen a bit an' 
I'd cum iu. 

So after I'd pnt awa3^ tlu dinner things an' g.)t 
thru with the kitchen, I went an' smuthed ny 
hair a bit an' went into the hous' where Mister 
Jourdin was, an' as sune as 1 went in he jumped 
up an' sot a cheer fur me, an' then, lukin at me rite 
hard, hesed, "Missis Jarrel-Jemimri, m/n- I enllvou 
Jemima?" Tlie exersizeofpreparin dinner has brot 
the roses to your cheeks an' the lite to your izc til 
you air irresistable, I can no longer fi-ain from 
tellin you what has ben in my hart sence I fust 
seed you. I luv you, will 3'ou be mine?" An' I 
sez "O! Mister Jourdin this is so sudiint like., I 
hadnon-">shuny()u thotof me like that. Give :nea 



104 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

little time to think it over." An' he sez: ''How 
long will I have to wate for my anser, deares' 
don't keep me on expense long?" An' I sez, "well 
you take a w^alk down b3^ the fiel for a haff a'our 
an' cum back an' I'll give you my anser strait an' 
true." With that, he made as if he'd kiss me, but 
I put up my hans an' sez, "not so fas' Mister Jour- 
din. No body but my husbun that is to be can 
kiss me." With that he looked kinder 'bashed 
like an' went off. I knowed rite then what my 
anser was goin to be, but I did'nt want to 'pear 
too tickled, so I let him go an' 'tw'a'r't long afore 
he was back, I sez, "you hain't ben gon no haff 
a'our, but you shall have you anser all the same." 
An he sez, "what is it to be deares'? Yes, I hope." 
I sez, "yes it's yes,*' an with thathecotchmeroun' 
the waist an — but sha! what's the use of my ritin 
any more 'bout that? Evry gal an widder that's 
past thru sich an egsperunccknows howitis their- 
selves. 

So after awhile Nimrod sez: "When is the mar- 
rige to be, darlin', don't let it be long, sweet one?" 
I sez, "well it's now three o'clock, we can go to 
town an git the license an drive roun' by Squire 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 105 

Woodard's an have him tie the knot this evenin', 
an have all the bother of it over at once, since the 
thing's to be dun, 'twere well 'twere dun quickW." 
I sez, quotin Shaiksper. With that, Nimrod cotch 
me again an the same purformans was gone thru 
with that was purformed when I sez yes. 

So Jim went an brought out Nimrod's hoss an 
buggy an I told Jim Mister Jourdin an me was 
goin fur a ride, anjim kinder grinned and did'ntsay 
nuthin, an me an Nimrod got into the buggy an 
driv off. 

When we got to the town clerk's offis, Nimrod 
told the clerk what we wanted, an after try in to 
maik some jokes 'bout "secon han' goods'' an the 
like, the clerk giv Nimrod the licens an we went on 
by the squires an w^hen Nimrod told the squire 
what we had cum fur, he was saprised, an no mis- 
take, an he sez: "Why, Mister Jourdin, I thot it 

to be Miss ," an Jourdin giv him sicha look! I 

never seed anything like it, an the squire he turned 
all sorts of cullers an sez: "Just so, quite rite! quite 
rite!" i4pp7e core of nuthin, as I've hearn people say 
sumtimes, thol don't ritely know, what they meant 
by it. Well the squire w^ent to the doar an called 



106 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

old Miss Woodard an the gals to be witnesses to 
the marridge, an when they cum in, me anNimrod 
jined han's an the squire he said over a lot of 
rigamarole, an me an Nimrodsaid, "I will," when 
the squire told us to, an then the squire scd: 
''What God has joined nsunditr let no man put 
apart,'' An then thcw all wished us much jo\\ 
An me me an Nimrod got in the buggy an went 
home. 

When we got hom: I called Jim in an told him 
me an Mister Jourdin was marrid an he might 
tell all the people he seed al)out it. Jim diddent 
say nuthin, but grinned like a little fule. I scd, 
"what are you grtnnin that w^y fur Jim?" An 
Jim kep on grinnin an sed, "I knowcd it." I scd, 
"how'd 3'ou know it Jim?" An Jim sed ngain, "I 
know^ed it," an kep on grinnin. An I sed, "Jim if 
you don't stop grinnin an tellmehow3^ouknowe(l 
me an Mister Jourdin was marrid, I'll box 3'our 
ears good fashin like." 

That kinder skeered Jim, an he sed: "I was passin 
the winder this evenin' an seed you an Mister Jour- 
din a huggin an a kissin, an when you went off to- 
gether, 1 knowed you was goin to be marrid. " 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 107 

I sed, "you seed Mister Jotirdiii a huggin an kissin 
me you mean Jim." An Jim sed, "I thot you was 
doin as much huggin an kissin as Mister Jourdin 
was," I give him a slap an sez, "go long wnth 
your nonses, you sassA^ httle raskil." Jim seed I 
wan't mad an went off turnin han' springs an 
makin cart wheels, as he call'd 'em. 

So W'hen we got reddy to go to bed, Nimrod sez: 
"HaVe 3'ou got a mug or cup or sumthin I can 
have with sum water in it?" I told him I had 
mugs an cups in plenty, "but whatever do you 
w^ant with a a mug or cup,. either," sez I. He sez, 
"when I was a boy, a hoss kicked me in the 
mouth ad nocked out my teeth an I had to have 
sum new ones made, an I take 'em out every night 
an put 'em in a mug of water til momin." So I 
went an got him a mug to put his false teeth in. 
- Next mornin' I w^as up bright an' ^\\'\y, an' 
rousted out Jim an' he made a fire in the stove, an' 
went out an' fed the critters an' milked the cow^s, 
an' when I got breakfus reddj^ I went in to call 
Nimrod to breakfus; an' when I went in, I seed 
Nimrod slippin' a bottel into his valees that he car- 
rid aroun' in his bugg3' with his singin' outfit in, 



108 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

an' when he seed I had seed him with his bottel* 
he sez, "that is sumthin' fur my voice. I have to 
take sumthin fur my voice every day, or I cuddent 
sing a lick." 

I knowed what kind of a cordial for liis voice 
that was, but I diddent say nuthin. 

Nimrod says, ''Your hour fur brcakfus are 
raythur airlier than I've ben customed to, Jemima, 
but I guess I'll ketch on after awhile," an with 
that he cum up to me an chucked me under the 
chin, an kist me, an I knowed right then he was a 
dcceivin liar an drunkard, but fur all that, I cud- 
dent help luvvin him, fur in all the time me an 
Hiram had lived together, he had never treated me 
like that. You sec, a littel pettin goes a long way 
with a woman. 

Well, things run along this way; Nimrod teachin 
his skool durin the week, an hissinginonSaterdys, 
Jim doin the chores roun' the hous, an me bizzy 
w4th my w^eavin, cookin an hous cleanin, an on 
Saterdys I'd go to the singins, an tak my place in 
the class as counter singer, an it was ^^good as a 
plny^' to see how the gals wud take on after me an 
Nimrod was marrid. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 109 

They'd make out that thc}^ diddent kear fur it, 
but I cud see they was orfuUy cut up about it. 

Whenever Nimrod wud git any money fur his 
teachin an singin, I'd manidge to wheedle him 
outen it, an I'd change all the bills he'd give me into 
gold eagels an haf eagels, an put em in the stockin 
with the money I'd got frum Hiram, an I'd got a 
purty littel pile of it; I can tell you, the rent of the 
farm an the butter an milk an eggs an chickens I 
sold, makin more than enuff to sport the fambly. 

After me an Nimrod had ben marrid a littel more 
than a year, he cum home one da3^ with a big 
bundel in his bugg3' an w^ent in the room while I 
was puttin the dinner on the tabul, an purty soon 
he cum out wnth a calico lookin thing on that had 
big buttuns up the frunt an a string with big red 
tossels on it tide aroun the middel, an a pare of 
fine slippers on, an I went up to him an looked at 
the thing an I seed it was not made of calico, as I 
first thort it was, but of sum kind of wursted 
goods, all figgered with fancy figgers, an lined 
with real silk, an quilted as fine as a gals bonnit. 

I sez, '*it pears to me you ar gittin mitey fine. 
Nimrod; where did you git that fine thing, on 



110 KIIYMBS AND OTHER SCRAPS 

what (lid it cost?" He sez, 'This! O, this is a 
drcssin gown my rich uncle sent me frum York 
Cit3^ He sent me a smokin cap an these slippers 
an I jest got em outen the express to day. My 
uncle is as rich as grease us* an as I'm his favorit 
nefifew, I'll be likely to cum in fur a big slice of his 
property when he dies, seein he haint no wife nor 
childring of his own." So we sot down to dinner 
an Nimrod was powerful polite an jovil, an after 
dinner he went an sot on the poarch with that 
dressin gownd, an them slippers an that cap, with 
it's red t( ssel, an no brim on it, an it made him 
look for all the world like the picturs I've seed of 
the turks smokin his scagars. Seein Nimrod settin 
there so fine, an me a thinkin about that rich uncle 
in York CittA^ set me to woudrin how I'd feel when 
that rich uncle died an I was pintcd out as I cum 
in the meetin hous as the wife of the rich Mister 
Jourdin, whose rich uncle had died in York CittA^ 
an left him ever so much propperty. I'd no idee 
how much it wud be, sumtimes I'd think it was as 
much as twenty thousan dollars, an then I'd think 



* Mrs. Jenkens doul^tless means "CVcesi7s"—£V. 



RHYMES AND OTiIER vSCRAPS 111 

no, it can't be so much as that, but it'll be all of 
five thousnn^ any way, an that's a heap. 

Well, things run along this way fur about six 
months longer, an one day a letter cum to Nimrod, 
addressed in a mitey purty han ritin, while I was 
at the wash tub, so I sez to myself, this letter is 
frum Nimrod's rich uncle in York Citt}^, I'll bet, an 
without lookin at the pos mark, I jest tore it 
open. Well, when I open'd it an seed what was 
inside, you cud of ''knocked me down with a 
feather," as the saj^in is. Instid of havin a lot of 
money in it. as I expected to find, there was a ac- 
count in it agin Nimrod fur more'n a hundred dol- 
lars, frum the new store in town, an a note, sayin 
if the count wa'n't paid by the seccun day of the 
nex month he wud sue on it, an in the covtnt was 
that fine dressin ground, smokin cap an box of 
seagars that Nimrod told me his uncle had sent 
him frum York Citty, an a whole lot of 
other things that I did dent known nothin 
about. Well, I was mad all over, but I went back 
to my washin, meanin to give Nimrod "a piece of 
my mind," as the sayin is, as soon as he cum in 
frum his skool. So at the rg'lar time er day, Nim- 
rod cum home, an a>s soon as I seed him drive up 



112 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

to the gate, I went onto the poarch with my bat- 
tHn stick in ni^^ han an when he cum in, I sez, 
"Nimrod, when did 3'ou hear frum your rich uncle 
in York Citt3^?" "0," sez he, "a week or so ago, 
why?" I sez, "well I got a letter frum him today, 
an he is very anxious about 3'ou." And with that 
I handed him the letter with the count in it. You 
ort to seed that man, as soon as he seed what the 
letter was about, he turned fust red, an then white, 
an then a pale, sickty green. But, purty soon he 
pulled hisself together like, an sez, "that's all 
right. Give me a hundred an twenty dollars, an 
as soon as I eat my dinner, I'll go over an pay 
him." "Why don't 3'ou ask that rich uncle in 
York Citt3' fur the money," sez I, "an not cum 
beggin a pore woman like me fur it?" "I aint a 
askin no pore woman for an3^thing,"sez he, "I am 
only askin \'ou fur part of the money I have give 
you to keep fur me." I sez, "what sort of money 
did you ever give me to keep fur you." "Why, 
good bank bills," sez he, "more'n five hundred 
dollars." 

I sez, "I hain't never seed no good bank bills of 
your 'in; least wise there hain't nun of 'em here, 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 113 

nor bad ones neither." What didyoudo with all 
that money I've ben a givin yon ever sense we was 
marrid?" sez he. I did'nt say nothin, only stood 
lookin at him defiant like. At last he sez, 'Jemima 
I'm tired of all this foolin, go an get me that hun- 
dred an twenty dollars or it'll be worse for you." 
I sez, "Nimrod Jourdin you hain't a goin to git no 
hundredantwenty dollars from me, to pay no sich 
gimcracks an ixtravaginzes as you've ben carryin 
on lately, you may want to go to the pore hous, 
but I don't." An with that he cum giv me a slap 
in the face that made it burn like fire an made me 
see more'n a thousan stars. That made me wild 
an I did'nt do a thing but just tak that battlin 
stick in both ban's an hit him sich a whack on his 
hed that I knocked him down, an after he was 
down I kep a hittin him. As fas as he'd start to 
git up I'd knock him down again. I hit him on 
the hed an in the face jist whenever I'd git a 
chance. Once I hit him in the mouth an broke his 
false teeth all to pieces. When I seed him a chokin 
on his teeth, I sed, ''another boss has kicked you 
in the mouth, hain't he?" At last when he seed he 
cuddint do nuthin, he sez: "That'll do, madam, 



Ui RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

you've killed one hiishuii, only you did that in a 
way they can't hang you fur it, but if 3^ou kill me 
with tluit club, they can hang you fur that." 
That kinder fetched me when he sed that. The 
thot of seein Hiram a layin there ded an how I'd 
treated him, worked the fite all out on me an I 
jist drapped the battlin stick an let him git up. 

When he got up he limped off wnth the blud a 
runnm outer his nose an mouth an 'bout a duzzen 
places on his hed an face, an he went in the hous 
an washed it offen his bans an face an patched up 
the cut places with some kind of plaster he had in 
his shavin outfit. 

After he'd put on sum clean close, he cum outer 
the hous an as he went to the stable to git his 
boss an buggy, I had a good look at him, an for a 
fac he diddint look as smart as. he did when he 
drew up to the gait a short haf a'our before. 

His face was nigh 'bout kivered with patches an 
his lip was cut open an swelled up as thick as the 
side of my foot, an one e3^e was closed, an al- 
together he was the orneryest lookin site you ever 
seed. 

Well he went off an that was the last I seed uv 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 115 

him fur a week or more. I thot he wasjest sulking 
an woukl soon turn up all rite, an I had 'bout 
made up my mind to give him the drotted bill. 

One day I was busy at my loom, weavin my 
county pins, when I seed a strange man a ridin up 
to the gate. I went in the hous an breshed up my 
hare a bit, an the man cum up on the poarch an 
I went to the door an the man sed, ''Missis Jour- 
din I supjDOse." Isez, "that's me," he sez I have a 
"sytashun (or somethin like that) fur you." I sez 
" a what"anhe sed the saim thing over again?" 
I sez, "who air you, an what do you want? I 
don't know no more'n the ded what you mean." 
He sez, "I am the sheriff an I have a paper sitin 
you to 'pear at the court hous, but I'll rede the 
paper an then praps you'll understan' better. " So 
he tuck a paper outin his pockit an red a whole lot 
of law lingo 'bout "showin caus why a decree of 
divoorse shud not be granted to Nimrod Jourdin, 
dissolvin the holy bonds of matter o mon3^atween 
the sed Nimrod Jourdin an the sed Jemima Jourdin, 
an a v^diole lot of other law words that no body 
but a lawyer can understan, an what they put so 
much of sich stuff in their law papers fur I dwno 



116 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

less its to pester peepel so's they'll hav to git a law- 
yer to splaiii it to em an giv the lawyers a job. So 
tlie sheriff tol nie to be at the eourt hous on 
the nex Monday mornin a week. I tol him I'd 
be thar. 

When the day cum I was up brite an ah'l^^ an 
Jim he hitched up the hoss to the buggy an I put 
a lunch in a baskit an a feed of corn in the buggy 
fur the hoss an I tuck all the munny I had an put 
it in my satehell an driv over to thecourt hous, an 
was thar befoor any of the peopel 'bout the court 
hous, exsep the sheriff an one or too uthurs had 
got thar. 

The sheriff met me at the doar and sed "you air 
promp Missis Jourdin; court wont be opin fur 
a'our or more; cum into my offis an set down til 
couit opins an I'll sho you where to go." I tol 
him I was much obleeged to him an went in an sot 
downi an waited an waited an waited til I thot 
the court never was goin to opm. 

At las the sheriff cum an told me to go with him, 
that coart w^as open, an he was mitey perlite to 
me. He tuck me inside of a railin where thar was 
a lot of men set ten roun, an went an foteh a cheer 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS ll7 

fur mc, an the jedge was a scttiii in a pulpit like 
place, an he begun to rede outin a book. Suni- 
boddy agin sumboddy, an a littel sprig of a hiryer 
jumped up an sed sum.thin, an the judge rit sum- 
thin in. his book, an red out sumthin r.gin an 
another lar3^er jumped up an sed sumthin, an tlie 
jjdge he rit sumthin els in his book; an tliej^ kep 
on that way fur nigh about an hour. 

An I diddeut know no more what they was a 
doin than if I'd been in ''Tartar limbo,^^ as the 
say in is. 

At las the jedge red out sumthin like "Jourcin 
fasses Jourdin," an I gvOt up an sez, ''Mister 
Jedge, if me an Jourdin did hav a fasa, I don know 
as you have ixny eall to put it in your book, an 
read it out to all these people." Thejedge he looked 
as sour as old clabber, at this, an the sheriff he 
balled out, "silence in coart," an the larvers 
grinned, an the rest uv the peepil tittered, so 1 
seed I'd dun sumthin rong an I sat down, with a 
]3ump that shook the whole coart hous, it seemed 
to me. Thejedge then sed "who represents the 
plaintiff in this case?" an a laryer got up an sez, 
"may it pleeze the coart; the firm of Windy and 



118 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Workcm represents the plaintiff in this case." The 
jedge then sez, "who represents the defendant." I 
diddent know what hementandiddentsay nuthin. 
Mister Windy then sez, "Missis Jourdin, who rep- 
resents 3^011 in this case." I sez, "Jermima Jourdin 
represents me. I hant hearn of no boddy els goin 
rounpertendin to be me, have_vou?" The jedge sez, 
"Missis Jourdin, have you secured the servicesofa 
laryer?" I sez "No, what fur, shud I have a 
laryer?" Then the jedge sez, "In that case it be- 
cums the juty of the coart to pint a laryer fur you." 
I sez, "but Mister Jedge, I don't want no laryer." 
The jedge sez, "haint you got money to pay a 
laryer." I sez, "I've got money enuff in this 
satchell (holdin it up an slammin it down on the 
table) to bye all the laryers, an the jedge an the 
jury an the whole kit an bilin of you together, 
but I haint a goin to give nun of it to keep that ol 
ball-hedded, band3^ shanked, piggin toed, to3th- 
less, drunken frawd fruni gittin a divoarse from 
me." The jedge sez, kinder stern like, "Missis Jour- 
din, I'll have to tind 3^ou fur contemp of coart if 
you don't use more respekful landgwidge in its 
pressents." Well I diddent know w^hat he ment 



RHYMES AND OTHKR vSCRAPvS 111) 

by '^finclin^^ me. I knowed I wa'ii't lost, cos I was 
rite tliar in the coart lions, an I diddent know 
what to do or to say. At las a real nice olgentcl- 
man cums over to where I was settin, an sez. 
kinder low like, '^excuse me Missis Jonrdin — here's 
my kyard— if you'll allow me a few minnits con- 
versashun with you, I'll ixplane things to you a 
littul, an mabe you will better understan things." 
I tol him I was ever so muchobleegedtohim,anhe 
then went on an tole me how the3^mani(lged things 
in coarts, that it wud be better fur me to employ 
a larj^er to look after my interests. 

I seed frum his kyard that his name was 
Theodore Judkins, an that he was a laryer. So I 
sez "sartinly, Mister Judkins, (or mabe its squire.)" 
He sez, "let it go at 'Mister: " So I sez, "Mister 
Judkins, you look like a hones man, what will you 
charge me to take this case?" So he sed he'il take 
it fur twenty dollars, so we made a bargin, an he 
g3t up an tol the jedge that he'd anser fur me, an 
the jedge sed "let the case purceeJ." Then Mister 
Windy he got up an sed he'd have Mister Jour- 
din swoarn, an Jourdin stoo 1 up an a man 
sed a whole rigamiroal to hi;n, an he sed 



120 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

"I do," an kissed a buk, an then went an 
sot down in a cheer that stood in a railin place, 
close by where the jedge sat in his pulpit. Mister 
Windy then tokl Jourdin to tell the coart all he 
knowed about th? case, an Jourdin he begun, an 
told em how I'd begun, most as soon as we was 
marrid, to bully an brow beet him; sed I'd never 
let him rest, when he got any mone}' til I'd got it 
away frum him, that nuthin he cud do wud pleeze 
me, and woun up by sayin I finalh' tried to mur- 
der him with a club, an showed em the places 
where I'd hit him with the battlin stick. Mister 
Windy then asked him a lot of questions, an then 
he sed, "you can take the witness." Mister Jud- 
kins then asked him if he'd ever paid anything 
t' wards sportin the fambly. Jourdin sed he paid 
all the money he hed made. Mister Judkins asked 
him how much that was? an he sed upon a avcr- 
idge it was about fitty dollars a month. Mister 
Judkins asked him a whole lot of questions, an 
got him so flustrated he diddent know what he 
had sed, an he made Jourdin sware he wa'n't no 
good any way, that he had marrid me to git my 
property so he cud have a good j:ime drinkin an 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPvS 121 

crowzin roun as long as he lived, an that I was 
one of the bes wives a feller ever had, so, when 
Mister Judkins stopped askin Jourdin questions, 
Mister Windy he asked him a whole lot of ques- 
tions an he made Jourdin sware he was one of the 
innercents, nices men alive an I was aperfec "devil 
incordinate" as Shakespeare sez. 

Then Mister Windy sez, "the plainttiflf rests." 
An I thort it was about time for a rest, if they 
called Jourdin the plaintiff. Then Mister Judkins 
he got up an sez, may it pleeze the court; we cud 
put a cloud of witnesses on the stan tocrobborate 
all the plaintiff hez sed agin hisself and disprove 
all he hez sed agin this mos excellent woman, my 
client here, but we don't want to prevent the 
wretch frum gittin a divoarce; instead, v\re insist 
on his havin it, only stiplatin that he go free, 
leavin my client as he found her, Mistress of her- 
self and all her possessions, past, present an 
future. 

So the Jedge he rit sumthin in his buk, an sed 
sumthin, an Mister Judkins sed sumthin, an then 
he tol me I cud go home, that if Jourdin ever cum 



122 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

aroun the place fur mc to give him another lesson 
with the battlin stick. 

So that's how 1 got my secon ]ius1)un, an how I 
inanidgcd him, an how I got shed of him. 

Jemima Jenkins. 



Invocation to Mammon, 



O Thou, to whom we bow tlie knee, 

In this enlightened age — 
The rich, the poor, the bond, the free 

The poet, priest and sage — 
The king, upon liis gilded throne — 

The beggar, in his straw. 
The belle, in her ])alatial home. 

The rol)ber and outkiw. 

All bend to thee the suppliant knee. 

And own thee for our God — 
We worship and adore thy power. 

And tumble at thy nod; 
We covet all tliy precious hoards. 

We struggle for tliy smile— 
We languish if thou dost but frown. 

We i)rofit by thy guile. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 123 

Hear us, and grant our humble pra3'er— 

We ask thee not for health, 
Nor virtue, wisdom — all we ask 

Is that thou grant us wealth- 
Wealth that makes the h3^pocrite 

A pious pilgrim seem. 
That makes the Harlot's wanton life 

A poet's perfect dream. 

That purchases, in courts of law. 

Immunity for crimes — 
That makes the usurer seem a saint. 

As he to power climbs. 
That is the politician's goal, 

Of ends and aims, the chief— 
That salves the murderer's sordid soul — 

That purifies the thief. 

That justice's mighty arm doth stay — 

That makes the foolish wise; 
Brings beauty to the Roue's breast, 

Makes earth a paradise; 
Grant us but this — we ask no more — 

No other boon we crave; 
O, Mammon! if thou'll grant us wealth. 

We'll be thy abject slave. 

We'll rob the widow other all, 

The orphans, we'll oppress. 
And call it "patient, honest toil," 

Or "shrewdness and address;" 
We'll plunder, murder, lie and steal. 

So it but brings us gain, 
For wealth's our chiefest, greatest weal. 

And poverty's our bane. 



124 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Hov/ I Got Hiram Jarrel Fur a Husbun- 

I promised in 1113^ first letter to tell you how I 
got Hiram Jarrel for a huslnni if that got in tl e 
paper, but I jumped off on that dratted Nimrod 
Jordan business and forgot all about it, so now I'll 
iill m}' promise and tell 3^ou how I got Hiram. 

When I was eighteen I was a healthy, strong gal, 
and the folks said I was good lookin', and that 
"Jemima Jenkins hadn't a Inzy bone in her hide.'' 
Be that as it may, about that thne I begun to look 
around among the boys, to see whieh one I'd 

rather marry. 

There were quite a lot of young fellers in the 
neigh])orhood, and at the husking bees and spellif g 
sehools, first one and then smother would beau me 
around, like young fellers will young gals, you 
know, but la, none of 'em seemed to mean an}-- 
thing— ju^t polite like, you know— things went 
along like this for five or six years and I begun to 

get tired of it. 

I always was a cnergetie sort of body, even 
when I was a gal, and I says to myself one da3\ 
Sa^'s I '^Jemima Jenkins this sort of thing won't 
do, 3^ou've got to bring some of these 3^oungfelkrs 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 125 

to book." There was one 3^oimg feller named 
Hiram Jarrel. He was a tall broad shouldered 
lad, his body was as straight as a Injun's and his 
face was a rich, ruddy brown, and he had an eye 
in his head that was as bhie as the violets that 
peeped out from uuder the snow in the early 
spring. He was twenty-four years old and I was 
goin' on twenty. He had bought a hundred acre 
farm, jinin' his father's place, and had built a two 
room house, with a hall through the middle and 
shed room on the back for a kitchen, and a poarch 
in front, and had finished it up main weh, done it 
all with his own hands between times, like, when 
he wasn't at work in the field. He lived in the 
house by his self— kept bachelor's hall like, but his 
mother and sisters would go over every once in 
awhile and tidy up the house a bit for him, and 
altogether, the place looked real home like, but he 
was the bashfullest feller among the gals I ever seed. 
Seemed like when he was with a gal, he didn't 
know what to do with his hands, and he was 
allers steppin' on some gal's dress and tearin' the 
gethers out of it, and then he'd blush like a gal, 
and wouldn't seem to know what to say. But he 



126 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

was sucii a good natered feller, and seemed so put 
out when he'd git in the way and tear the gal's 
clothes, that all the gals was sittin' their caps for 
him. So I says to m3^self, "Jemima Jenkins, Hiram 
Jarrel is the man you want fur a husbun." So at 
the quiltin bees and spellin' schools, I'd allers make 
it convenient like to have Hiram fur a.beau. There 
was a little doll faced gal, with a head of fluffy, 
yaller hair, and you'd think she never had a 
thought about a man. Her name was Minty Mc- 
Clintock. She begun to make sheep's eyes at 
Hiram, and I soon seed that Hiram was cotch un- 
less I did somethin' to prevent it. 

So one da}^ when the snow was on the ground, 
and had a good crust on it, I put on my things 
and unbeknowin' to any of the folks at home, I 
tramped over to Hiram's house, when I knowed 
he'd be to home, and I went in and Hiram was 
sittin' by a big hickory wood fire, and when I got 
inside I seed he was hidin' somethin', and that he 
looked guilty like, but I spoke to him pleasant like 
and I says, says I, Hiram Jarrel, for two3x^ars you 
have been beauin' me around, takin' me to spellin' 
school, and singin' school, and the Lord knows 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 127 

where all, and now I've come to have a tinder- 
stanin' with you. I want to know whether you 
mean business or not. Well, you ought to seed 
that man! He was knocked all of a heap like, and 
he begun to stammer and stutter like he didn't 
know what to say, and says, says I, look here 
Hiram Jarrel, you was all right with me til that 
little doll faced, fluffy haired MintyMcClintock be- 
gun to make eyes at you, and 3'ou haint got sense 
enough to see she is jist makin' fun of you — that 
she don't care the snap of ni}^ finger fur you. If 
3^ou could only hear how she laughs about you to 
us gals, and how she calls you her pet bear, and 
how she says she's got a ring in your nose and 
she's leadin' you roun', jest to have fun with ye, 
ye w^ouldn't be so stuck on her. Well, the color 
come an' w^ent in his face, and the sweat come out 
on his forred and his fingers locked an' unlocked 
themselves, an' I thought he was goin' to have a 
fit, an' I w^as main scaret for awdiile, but he pulled 
his self together and says, I was afraid that was 
w^hat she was doin', but she seemed so inncrsent, 
I thought she meant all she said, Ijut now its all 



128 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

over. She calls nie her pet bear? Has a ring in 
my nose to lead me roun' b3^ has she? 

Seein' Hiram suffer so, made me desprit. I flung 
aside all ''maidenly modesty^' as the books says, 
and I went up to him and I took both his hands in 
mine an' I says Hiram, she aint with such honest 
luv — take me, your own Jemima Jenkins an' you'll 
never hear of my callin' of you a pet bear, nor a 
talkin' about hiivin' a ring in your nose a leadin' 
you roun'. An' Hiram says, all right, Jemima! 
as well you as anybody, seein' Minty was only 
foolin' with me. So that's the way I got Hiram 
Jarrell. Jemima Jenkins. 



Why Did Hogg Intervene? 

A wise looking Owl sat in an oak 

And blinked at the moon through it's leapy shun, 
And these wordswords, which he took for wisdom; 
spoke; 

Saying, "Why did Hogg Intervene?" 

A pert Poll Parrot, perched on a pole; 

Dressed in his garb of gold and green; 
Repeated the words of the wise looking owl; 

Saying, "Why did Hogg Intcryetie?" 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 129 

A Jack Ass, into a pasture stra\^ed, 
And munched the lierbage, fresh and green; 

So, to be in the fashion; he, too, brave;!; 
Saying, "Why did Hogg Intervene?" 

Now, all the Asses and Parrots and Owls; 

(Though none of them know just what they 
mean) 
Are filling the air with their senseless howls 

or ''Why did Hogg Interevene?" 



The Tariff, 



Laud the glories of the tariff, 

It's beneficient effects 
On the honest, toiling millions 

Whose productions it protects, 
From the "pauper competition" 

Of imported mercliandisc; 
Let it's praises swell the echoes 

'Til they pierce the verv skies. 

Let the wail of starving children. 

As they vainly cry for l)read — 
Let the moans of anguished mothers 

As the3^ sob o'er children dead — 
Let the shrunken forms of manhood 

By this tariff brought to want. 
The glories and the triumphs 

Of this mighty tariff vaunt, 



130 RHYMES AND OTIIHR SCRAPS 

Let the Winchesters' loud rattle 

On M(Mion!;i:aliela's banks, 
From the "Pinkcrton contingent" 

Speak the workman's hearty- thanks 
For this ,^reat and glorious tariff 

Which makes him so secure 
Against all competition 

From eveiy foreign shore. 

Let the homeless, houseless vagrant 

B^^ the tariff brought to shame, 
The bL-nefits and Ijcauties 

Of this tariff now proclaim — 
But, should he turn and rend you 

Anil fili this land with gore, 
It is but a repetition 

Of what has been heretofore. 

France and Rome and Athens — 

(God shield us from such fate) 
Oppressed the laboring people 

Until they, filled with hate 
For their oppressors, turned 

And their long pent up ire 
Burst on them like an avalanche 

01 tierce, volcanic lire. 

Then reduce this wicked tariff- 
Abolish ALL "combines" — 

Pay laborers fair wages 
In factories or in mines. 

Contentment then will follow. 
As day to night succeeds. 

Corruption breeds oppression, 
As oppression violence breeds,. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 131 

The Story of Ahaz, the High Priest. 

Then the Lord said unto Ahaz, the Higli Priest: 
Behold, I have observed Eldad, of the hind of 
Boaz, that he hath gathered together much gold 
and silver; and of diamonds and rubies and pre- 
cious stones, and jewels of all kinds, he hath great 
store; and also, that he hath large herds of horses 
and ofcattle, of sheep and of oxen; and that he is 
very rich. 

Say thou, therefore unto Eldad of the land of 
Boaz; "The Lord hath need for his poor, of a 
moiety of the goods Eldad hath gathered to- 
gether." 

Take thou from Eldad, so many shekels of gold; 
so many shekels of silver, and of diamonds so 
many; and of other precious stones, and of horses, 
and ofcattle and of sheep, take thou so many, 
that the Lord may have a sufficiency for his needy 
poor. 

Then said Ahaz, the High Priest: "How shall 
Eldad of the land of Boaz know that the Lord 
hath commanded that this thing should be done? 
Give to me therfore, I pray thee, a writing, that 



132 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Eldad may know tliat I am sent unto him of the 
Lord." 

Then the Lord made a writing and gave it unto 
Ahaz, the High Priest: 

And the writing was thus: ''Eldad: I, the Lord, 
have observed that thou art very rieh in gold and 
in silver, in diamonds and in preeious stones of 
all kinds, horses and eattle, and of sheep and of 
oxen thou hast large herds; but beeause thou hast 
been industrious and frugal, and hast gotten thy 
wealth by fair means; and hath been liberal to the 
poor, and hatli oppressed none, therefore, I, the 
Lord will forgive thee the moiety thou owest me 
for the poor." This did the Lord, to try Ahaz, the 
High Priest, and Eklad, of the land of Boaz. 

Nov»', it so happened that Ahaz the High Priest 
could not read tlie VvM'iting of the Lord in the km- 
guage in whieli it was written — for it was written 
in the language of the people of the land of Boaz, 
So, Ahaz the High Priest said unto himself, 
'T will not shov»' this vv^-iting unto Eldad, of the 
land of Boaz, but I will say unto him, the Lord 
hatli need of so much of thy goods for his poor, 
and I will say of each kind, the Lord wants mugh 



RHYMES AND OTHKR SCRAPS 13:5 

more than that he told me. So tliat when I ni'ike 
return unto the Lord, of all that He commanded, 
there will be much gain for me." 

So, when Ahaz, the High Priest, came unto the 
land ofBoaz, and to the house of Eldad, he made 
demand, in the name of the Lord, of all the tilings 
he had said unto himself that he would make. 

Now, Eldad, of the land of Boaz was a cunning 
man, and 'a shrewd one, so, he said unto Ahaz, 
the High Priest: "Ahaz, I know thou art a wp.n 
of the worlds and one gets as much credit from tlie 
world for seeming to do good, as for doing good. 

''This, therefore will I do— I will give thee /or t/7v- 
self so much of gold and so much of silver, and so 
many diamonds and other precious stones, and of 
horses, and of cattle, and of oxen, and of sheejD, 
I will give thee so manj-, and thou shalt say unto 
the Lord, behold, it is done as thou directedst, and 
the poor hath been provided for according to thy 
word." 

And the things which Eldad promised unto Ahaz 
were more than Ahaz thought to have gotten by 
his strategy. So it pleased Ahaz grcath-, but he 
pretended to hesitate and said: ''But if the Lord 



134 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

shall sa}^, where is tliy proof that thou hast clone 
thus, and thus; how shall I satls.'j the Lord?" 

Then said Eldad unto Ahaz: "This will I do. I 
will send with thee a man who shall witness for 
thee unto, the Lord that thou hast done all that 
whieh the Lord hath eommanded thee." 

And the saying pleased Ahaz, the High Priest, 

9 

so he went baek unto the Lord and said: "All the 
things whieh the Lord hath eommanded me hath 
been done, and I have relieved the neeessitiesofthe 
poor, as the Lord hath commanded." 

Then spake the wdtness and said, "Yea, Lord; all 
is as Ahaz hath said." 

Then said the Lord unto Ahaz, the High Priest, 
and to the witness from the land of Eoaz: "Thou 
wicked and deceitful servant; and thou, thou lying 
witness! Knowest thou not that the e^^e of the 
Lord hath been upon thee from the time of th}^ de- 
parture until now, and that all th^^ treaeher}-, 
and the cunning of Eldad, oi the land of Boaz, 
and the false testimony of this, thy hired witness, 
hath been plain unto the e^^e of the Lord as unto 
th3' wicked selves? Know, therefore, that if thou 
hadst been honest cind faithful in thy mission; 



RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 1:{5 

that both thou and Ehlad woiiltl have been pros- 
pered, and this, thy fake witness would have been 
spared the ignominv of a shameful and horrible 
death." So the Lord smote both Aliaz and the 
witness that they died, and in the self same hour, 
smote he Eldad of the land of Boaz, that he also 
died, and the rielies that Eldad had, with so much ' 
pains and toil, gathered together, were blown by 
the four winds to the ends of the earth. And the 
Lord said: "Thus shall it be with all liars and 
hypocrites, and with them that speak deceitfully, , 
and bear false witness against my poor." 



THANKSGIVING DAY IN THE COUNTRY. 



Mother Brewster's Misfortune* 



- I 

Thanksgiving day has come at last 

The turkey has been roasted, 
And absent son, from distant West 

T' ancestral home has posted. 
And, as he drives up to the gate, 

The mother runs to meet him. 
And all the fomily gather 'round 

Most cordially to greet him. 



136 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

II 

Then, leisurely into the house 

They walk, while they all question 
The son and brother about his health, 

His lungs, and his digestion, 
The mother leans on one strong arm. 

On the other one, his sister, 
As she prattles ot the length of time 

It seems since last he kissed her. 



Ill 



And at the thought of kisses comes 

A blush, wdiich mantles over 
Her rosy cheeks, as she recalls 

Last kiss from absent lover, 
And she wonders now if he will come 

To this thanksgiving dinner, 
And if he'll make remarks about 

Her being so much thinner. 

IV 

And thus they walk, and talk and think; 

The turkey queit forgetting. 
Not once imagining a thief 

Their plans were all upsetting. 
But confident they'd soon sit dowm 

To a turkey, nicely basted, 
The finest one, they all declare, 

That mortal ever tasted. 



kllYMKS AKt) OTIIIvR SCRAPS I'.H 



Meanwliile a tramp, by hunger prest, 

His sinne and ston.iach meeting, 
Determines them to se])arate 

If t can l)e done by eating, 
And so, with cautious, stealthy steps, 

(The day being dark and murky) 
He steals into the kitchen, and 

Soon makes off with tlie turkey. 

VI 

The ecstacy of joy being spent. 

O'er prodigal re turning- 
Old Mother Brewster now^ cries out 

*T fear the turkey's burning" 
So, to the kitclien now she flies 
• In fear and trepidation 
The oven open meets her gaze 

Fills her with consternation. 

VII 

She rushes back into the house 

Her eyes as l)ig as saucers 
In language quaint as may be found 

In any book of Ciiaucer's 
With strident voice proclaims Iier loss, 

Though somewliat lame and jerky. 
Cries, "come into the kitchen quick, 
Some thief has stole the turkev." 



13S RIlVrvIKS AND OTHER SCRAPS 

VIII 

"For the land's snke! wliat will we do?" 

Exclaims old Mother Brewster 
Tlicres' not a foul upon the place 

Except the old reel rooster, 
Anri John's come home Irom fnrrin 'prirts 

Tcr eat thanksi^^ivin dinner, 
And all our pleasure has been spilt, 

By er tramp — tlicr wicked sinner." 



The Doctor's First Cas: 



lie was a doctor, fresh froni college — 

Mis head crammed full oF useless knowledge — 

Not half of which did he understand — 

(And he wrote a most execrable hand — 

The first prerequiste to a man of f ime 

Who writes M. D. as suffix to his name — 

A cunning device, if the drug don't work — 

The blame will fall on the prescription clerk. 

But the clerk, grown wise — when not C'uite vSure is 

He of the word— reads it aqua ])uri>, 

And thus, perhaps, a manA^ a liTe doth save 

From falling into a -premature grave 

He hired an office, then hung out his sign — 

To wait for patients he'd make up his mind. 

He rolled bread pills, thus to make believe 

He was ver3^ busy — only to deceive — 

In hope that some one, Vvho in passing hy 

Would call liim in, his newd)orn skill to tr}-. 

So patiently lor patients he did w^ait 
Until his patience aJl ran out of date, 



RHV.MIuS AND OTHER SCKAPS i;il) 

And still no patients ever came liis skill 

To tiT — whetiier he eonld cure or kill. 

At length, his money and his credit gone, 

And he, with nothing more to live upon; 

Ate his bread j^ills as a dernier resort, 

To prevent his falling into a state of "mort." 

Sitting in his office all ah)ne, one dav 
A bo}^ he saw, coming along that way; 
Hobbling, as though he was in great pain — 
A buo^^ant feeling fills his heart again, 
'•Plope springs eternal in the human breast" — 
''Joy seldom kills" (I've forgot the rest 
Of this grand poem) let it now suffice 
That thoughts of suicide no longer rise — 
Whether rope or river, toxicant or knife 
Shall now cut short his young, vigrous life, 
A possible patient, his patience may reward 
And save him from river, knife or cord. 

The boy comes in, his foot rdl sv.-ollen — red — 
And to this budding genius, thus he said: 
"Doc, this foot hurts awful, its mighty sore — 
Do 3^ou think of it you can make a cure?" 
The doctor examined the foot with care. 
Then, to the boj'- he said: "I greatly fear 
Unless I give you speedy, needed relief. 
This foot will cause v'ou to come to grief- 
Erysipelas I see has now set in. 
And 'twill be only the difference of a pin 
If the foot will not have to come off." 
At which the boy in angry tones did scoff: 
"Airy h'll! you're way off, ole hoss. 
That's where I wuz stung by a derned ole wauss." 



140 RHYAIES AND OTHER SCRAPS 



Coxey and the Congressman. 

In his bonrclin,^ house he sits^ 

Groaniii<>- like he would have fits, 
While he ]3on(1ers on his troul)le and its cause; 

For to \Vashington he came 

To have a quiet poker game 
And, incidently to make the people's laws. 

chorus: . 

Bo3^s, boys, l)Ojs, the tramps arc marcliing, 
With Coxey, Fr\'e and Kelly in the lead; 

Marching on to Washington he came 

To tell what must be done. 
That will give the people everything they need. 

Oh, the tramps expect to jaw 

At the men who make the law. 
And demand that gold and silver shall be free 

To every man who'll shirk 
' The appearance of hard work, 
Which is only fair and right, as you'll agree. 

How to make the money free. 

The congressman can't see, 
For he finds that oftentimes his ''scanty hoard" 

After a day of jawer and jaw 

And a night of quiet "draw," 
Will not "pan out" enough to pay his board. 



RHYMES AND OTIIEK SCRAPS 111 

For his wiiic, ci.i^ars and such, 

Always cost, you know so much 
And the nicliles to pay his fare upon the car. 

Besides, his 1)oots and ch)thes 

Cost a lot, A-ori may stij)pose, 
Then there's Madeline to Ije provided for. 

"Oil, that I could see a way" — 

Groans the congressman all day, 
"To make money plenty and good — 

Not Coxey and his crowd 

Could holier half so loud 
At its happy consummation as I would.'' 

There's a course if he'd pursue it, 

Which assuredly w^ould do it — 
If congressman and Coxey w^ould comhine — 

Which is — honest legislation — 

Much less "labor agitation" — 
Honest work in factory, forest, field and mine. 

But as long as Coxc}' cranks 

Continue their mad pranks. 
And congressmen, for boodle sell their votes, 

The honest men wdio work 

And support the drones who shirk 
M^xy expect to have a heavy load to tote. 

S ), the bjst thing to be done 
Is to go to Washington — 
(The honest men I mean, who never fail 
In just and righteous cause~ 
To do right in spite of laws,) 
And put Coxeyites and boodlers all in jail. 



142 , RIIYMIiS AND OTIIlvR vSCRAI\S 

This plan \\ ould stop 

The tramps from marcliini;. 
From Coxc}itcs and boodlcrs we'd be freed. 

Honest work and honest laws 

In an honest ])eo pie's eause 
Would give? everybody everything they need, 



The Ring. 

A WOEFUL TALli;. 

Oh, have you heard the direful news? 

The eitv's rdmost busted; 
MeDonald's got the eity grabbed, 

No more can he be trusted; 
The board of public works likewise 

Is recreant to its duty, 
While Pcnn and Frank and Brackenridge 

Are panoplied for boot^^ 

They've formed a ring to rob the tow^n 

By advancing ready mc^iey 
To earr^^ on the work at the dam 

(Though it docs seem rather funny. 
How they can rob the ])eople much 

By furnishing the Rhino 
To complete the work that w^'ished aw^ay 

How they can do it — damfino.) 



RHYMES AND OTlIIiK SCRAPS 143 

But Nat the i?icorruptil)le, 

And the "Mrijah" sny 'tis certain. 
Both speak as though they've ha.d a peep 

Behind the mystic curtain. 
This dreadful news should wring the heart 

Of every honest yeoman, 
And make the tears of anguish start 

In the ej^es of each true v^'oman. 

Woe! woe! woe! the ''Majah" cries, 

And the people cry "Whoa Emma!" 
While Nat Q. wipes his wat'ry eyes 

And " ra sties ' with his dilemma, 
Explaining the unexplainable, 

How, by the cash advan.cing, 
The ring can rob the citj^— 'tis 

A puzzle most entrancing. 

The truth of tlic matter is, I suspect, 

Nat draws on his imagination 
For facts, while the "Majah" backs him up 

In his *Ring"ing agitation; 
All for the sake of making votes, 

That Burke naay l)e elected. 
Vain task ! the fiat has gone forth 

That he's to be rejected. 

McDonrdd, the faithful, tiied and true 

(This })re(liction, ])ra\^ remember,) 
Will be elected mayor on 

The fourth day of December. 
And "Majali" Burke, from his fond dreams, 

Will sadly then a\\aken 
To Jie fact that in his dearest hopes. 

He's Ijcen — "dam site mistaken," 



144 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 



A Revery, 

The swaying willow l3y the lakes, 

Bending in Springtime's gentle storm, 
It's grace and beauty from her takes 

To counterfeit her slender form; 
The tawny leaf on graceful oak, 

Dancing in Autumn's heathful wind 
Her glossy wreath of auburn locks 

Portrays in fancy to my mind. 

Bright rain drops, glinting on the bougl 
Lit up by the niorning's wintry sun, 

Recalls her azure, laughing eyes 
Sparkling with roguish mirth an fun; 

The petals of the blushing rose. 

From which the bee his honey sips, 
But a faint reproduction shows 
Of her sweet, pouting lips. 

The pink and lily, both combined 

In radiant beauty, only speak 
Of the sw^eet vision to my mind. 

As I recall her creamy cheek; 
The melody of mocking bird. 

Which bids the waking world rejoice. 
As he the noisy echoes stirred. 

Was but the semblance of her voice, 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 145 

So raindrops, leaf and willow tree, 

And mocking birds delightful trills, 
Are all \yat copies of the she 

Whose image now my mem'ry fills. 
And though long, wearj^ 3^ears have passed 

Since first I met her on the heath, 
The memory of her charms will last 

Until I draw my latest breath. 



GENERAL STUB'S ADDRESS, 



To His **Af mie, Les Chevaliers de Industrie/* 

Bums! Hobos! Vagabonds!! lend me your ears. 

Hear me for m^^ cause, and be silent, 

That ye may hear. 

We go, not to seek labor, but to avoid it. 

Idleness is a condition most eagerly to be sought, 

While industr3^ is oftentimes a weariness to the 

bones. 
As our great prototype, Pistol, the ancient. 
Puts it, "Base is the slave that pays." 
And so only he who works can pay. 
So, thrice a slave is he who works. 
Work! O, how I loathe the ver}^ word, 
And have since first its odiousness 
To me appeared. 

[I blush to own that once, b\' dire necessity, 
Forced was I, this hated thing to do.] 

This way it was — 
While peregrinating the 
Broad prairies — malarial — of Illinois among, 



143 RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 

Luck, against nie, liad been playing hard 

For many days — man traps, spring guns. 

And hull-dogs fierce, h^^ churhsh farmers set, 

Had prevented me, a decent meal 

To obtain, until the diaphragm of this 

My stomach had in close proximity 

Unto my spine retreated. 

One afternoon, while far from beaten track 

Of tramps and bums, I trudged, 

A cabin, the road hard by I spied — 

The door, wide open — did invite me enter — 

Patientl}^ though with misgivings dire, 

The place I reconnoitered — ot former 

Sad experiences mindful, lest perchance. 

Some accielent should me befall — 

No device of wily farmer met my 

Eager gaze, as cautiously I peered and peeked, 

Fearing some new calamity; 

But hunger, tlie most timid will 

Embolden. So boldly I entered — 

No snarling housewife, or husband rude, 

Bade me djpart— but, joy ! Instead, 

Upon beams and rafters, black with smoke. 

Large, flakey sides of tawny bacon hung. 

While rich and juicy hams the gnaried 

Walls adorned. Upon a shelf in one 

Corner stood a fat, black bottle— filled. 

As fondbv^ I imagined, with the stuff that cheers 

As well as inebriates. This bottle, with avidity 

And both hands I grasped. With one 

The resisting cork I drew, the mouth 

Of this "Black Bess," the siren, unto my lips 

I pressed, nor it removed until 



RHYMES AND OTllKR SCRAPvS 147 

Full three large swallows I imbibed, 

When — Paiigh! Instead of the rich, 

Heart cheering "old Monongahela," 

I found the bottle filled with cursed 

Oil of Palma Christa seed; 

For the next two da3^s I worked 

As only he, with stomach filled 

With this vile stuff, can work, and 

Ever since the word unto me has 

Been nauseating. But I have digressed. 

Noble Comrades, I congratulate you 

Upon the rapid stride towards 

Independence we've advanced; 

Time was, and not so long ago, 

WMien our noble order bums and tramps 

Were called. Now, by a happy thought, 

A stroke of genius, "The Industrial Army" 

We are named; and when, aforetime. 

We roamed in couples, or by threes and fours, 

And forced were we, cold snacks 

And "hand outs," from rear kitchen 

Doors from grudging bauds to accept, 

In a position now are we to take 

By force what was once denied, 

Or but grudgingly to us given; 

Now, instead of being by hireling 

Slaves of monopolistic greed. 

When w^e would move from place 

To place, seeking a climate, our fastidious 

Taste to suit, thrown from the cars, 

And compelled, the rough and 

Jolting brake to ride, or by stealth 

And cunning, get ourselves lockcrj 



143 RHYAIES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Up ill noxious, foul smelling freight 

Car, by traveling in a body, organized 

And ofiieered by men as far above 

The eommon, as are the officers of your noble 

army, 
We ean demand free passage on 
Emigrant sleeping cars. Stop off 
Where we jDlease, demand our rights, 
And by sheer force of number these 
Demands enforce. 
Now, instead of— as heretofore 
We were compelled to do — sneaking 
Into the towns ah)ng the route, and 
Hiding in the suburbs from which 
Lurking ])laces we were forced 
To steal at night and pilfer 
A scanty subsistence, our approach 
Is heralded by telegraph from 
Tovv^n to town — ^ind burghers, fcit 
And pompous, stand ready our 
Slightest w^ish to gratilV, while 
Blue coated minions of the law 
Obsequious are — nor dare their 
Authoritative — "Move on" to issue- 
Governors and ministers of state 
Tremble at our nod, and our every 
Behest ol)ey. 

And ere fong, my noble friends, 
Your General the president of these 
United States shall be — and when 
This shall come to pass, as idleness 
Is now called industry — so shall 
Crime be called virtue, and 



kHVAlES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 149 

Lewdness, chastity. Then shall 
No member of this noble army 
Be ever locked up in loathsome 
Prison, but he shall roam the 
Conntr\% free as the Co^^ote on the 
Broad and fertile prairies of Texas. 
Then will your ilkistrions 
President follow the course marked 
Out for himself, by the luckless 
Cade, whom "hunger, not valor, slew" 
Before unto his rightful crown he came. 
Ah ! my loyal comrades, visions 
Of greatness pass before my spirit eyes, 
Thoughts of granduer this heaving 
Bosom swells. I, as you know, 
Am no common man. Destiny 
Has laid her hand on me and bids 
Me arise and follow her; and 
Whether she leads me in palace car. 
Or along the dust3^ highway on foot, 
There is no escape. Great w^as I 
Born to be, and great I shall be; 
And when I am great then shall ye 
Be provided for, such of j'-ou, at least, 
As prove faithful to your high calling. 
Stand fast, therefore by your general — 
These rags, this grime and dirt 
Our badges be. Our motto: 

"Die before we'll work." 
Most hearty thanks my ragged friends. 
For the polite attention given this address, 
1 now close with these lines 
From Burns — Scotia's immoral bard. 



150 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

A fig" for those by law ])rotectccl — 

Liberty's a glorious feast- 
Courts for Cowards were ereeted, 
Churches built to please the priest. 



ACROSTIC, 



Respectfully Inscribed to Company E, First Re^^ 
ginicnt Texas Cavalry, 

Come, brave Texans, mount your chargers 
Unto death, if need be; swear 
Longer shall not Spanish tyrant 
Breathe fair Cu1)a's troT)ic air, 
Ever for the right do battle- 
Ride as Texans ahvays ride — 
Swift to succor needy |)eople — 
Nnward, Texans, side by side. 
Nerved for victory's topmost tide. 

Georgetow^n mothers, sisters, wives, 
Urge you on to fame and glor3% 
Achievements, then, of 3^ours will be 
Remembered long in song and story, 
Deed of valor there narrated. 
Scenes of daring there rehited. 



RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAI\S 151 

Shadows on The Wall 

Vanity of Vanities Saith the Preacher; 

All is Yanit3^ —Solomon. 

Once, when a child I \aj in bed, 

Hobogblins, grim and tall 
Unto my frightened gaze appeared 

And danced upon the wall. 

I screamed — my mother to me ran 

At my first, frenzied call 
And showed me my Hobgoblins were 

But shadows on the wall. 

Since I have reached maturer age 

And mem'ries, scenes recall — 
I find that most of good or ills, 

Are shadows on the wall. 

Let Fame's loud trumpet to' the man 

Of action shrilly call — 
He wastes his heart and brain to find — 

A shadow on the wall. 

Or should he, hoards of wealth desire — 

To gain it he may crawl 
At foot of mammon, he will find — 

A shadow on the w^all. 

Should Envy's shaft of venom, fiung 

By enemies, and fall 
Upon his unprotected head — 

'Tis ^'Shadows on the wall." 



152 RHYMES AND OTftER SCRAPS 

Should Love, that fills the human heart 

With ec Stacy or gall 
Be his, he'll onlj^ find, perhaps, 

A shadow on the wall. 

Yet we should strive great things to reach, 

(Though we may often fall) 
Lest we ourselves shcmld only be 

But shadows on the wall. 

And when at last Grim Death shall come. 

As come he must to all — 
May He as harmlevSS prove, as were 

The shadows on tlie wall. 



The following lines were suggested by the stor}^ 
of an outcast told the w^riter one night at the 
Police Station where she had come to make com- 
plaint against another of her class, who she said 
had used profane, offensive and abusive language 
to her because she would not associate with them 
on equal terms, and if the writer could put such 
pathos into the lines as she put into the story, it 
would move the hardest heart to pity for her. 

Despair, 

Once I w^as pure as an Angel, 

Light hearted, happy and gRy; 
Free from all care cank'ring sorrow, 

Blithesome and bright as the day; 
Life to me then w^as a pleasure. 

Filled to the brim full of joy. 
Bliss unexampled and holy. 

Unmixed with the slightest alloy. 



kllYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 153 

Parents and brothers and sisters, 

The hght of their love o'er me shed — 
My husband— Oh ! Heaven protect ine ! 

Not that way my thouglits, or I'm mad! 
He loved me, be said — had he shown it, 

False friends, with their flattering lies 
Had not lured me awa}^ from his l)osom, 

Which once was to me — Paradise. 
He left me to pine in seclusion. 

While lie with lewd cyprians would quaff 
The mad bowl of intoxication 

With wild song and boistrous laugh, 
A friend saw m^^ lonely condition. 

Poured soft, honej^ed words in my ear — 
I listened, alas; to his pleadings, 

I ^delded, and noAv, I am here. 

My heart's torn with Hell's raging fires — 

Give me opiuin, oblivion, or death — 
Something to stop this wild throl)bing 

Of brain, though it robs me of breath — 
One drop of the waters of Letlie, 

One moment of memory rid, 
Hark — list to the swift rushing river — 

One plunge, and my shame is all hid. 



A Christmas Sons, 



Ring out ye chiming bells! 

Ring in the natal morn 
Of Him whose tender bosom sv\^ells 

With love for men, forlorn, 

A lost and ruined race 



154. RHYMES AND OTHER i^CRAPS 

Whose gilt He doth efface, 
The Christ wlio on tliis da}- was born. 

Crack your bronzed sides, Ijells, 

As glad 13^ ye proclaim 
The story which this morning tells 

Of Him, whose wond'rous name. 

Whose might^^ deeds of love, 

His grace and power to prove, 
Took on Himself our guilt jind shame. 

Let voices join with bell 

In loud and long acclaim, 
Let joyous hearts the anthem swell, 

Of praises to His name, 

Hosanna to our king 

Let bells and voices ring, 
And every heart unite to sound His fame. 
Tell of His groans and sighs, 

Ye solemn, tolling bell, 
Tell how a loving Savior dies 

'T redeem our souls from hell. 

While voices raise the glad refrain, 

Jesus was derul, but lives again 
That we with Him might dwell. 



A Doggone Sad Story, 

A tale of horror thrills all hearts 

And makes them quiver — 
"A Woman^s DrowndecV'—^o it gees; 

Down at the river. 



RHYMES AND OTIIIsR vSCRAPS 

Perchance, some lovelj-, laded flower— 

A lovely woman, 
By man beguiled— thus ends her sorrow 

A- story common. 

Oh! but there is, in deepest hell— 

A place that's fitting. 
Where such as him their just deserts 

Will soon be getting. 

Or, maybe a cruel parent 

Forbade the union 
Of two fond hearts that beat as one 

In sweet communion. 

Such, often is the case, we know — 

Parents, take warning! 
Remember, you too, once were young; 

Nor love be scornig. 

Or, yet again, perhaps some motlier, 

Lost son bewaiUng; 
Sought thus, her life and woes to end — 

How unavailing. 

While this, the people stood and talked- 

With grief confounded — 
One sent to investigate, reports 

".4 Do/^' is Drowndecf 



RrtVMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

Answer to ''Where Is My Boy To^Night/* 

A mother sits in her louel\' room — 

Her sad heart torn witli fears, 
Her mind, with dire mis.<2:ivings filled. 

Her pale cheeks wet with tears, 
As she thinks al^out her absent Idov 

So handsome and so l)ri.i4ht — 
The oft recurring question comes, 

"Where is m3' boy to-night?" 

"My hoy, with curly, sminy hair, 

And open manly brow — 
He who was once his mother's joj^— 

Vvhere does he linger now?" 
Oh ! motlier,-nerYe 3'our heart and brain 

For piteous, w^oetul sight. 
In fanc3^, take a stroll wilh me 

Beneath the electric light. 

, Behold 3^on, gilded palace, rare, 
Ablaze with warmth and light. 
Hear the loud laugh, the tipsy shout — 

The maudlin song to-night — 
Behold, in drunken frenzied glee 
That bo3^, so lair and bright. 
Steeped to the lips ill '"liquid death''' — 
(Said I not 'twas piteous sight?) 

But, stay a moment — watch his step 

As np the "private stair" 
He makes his way, where Demons lurk 

To drag down to despair, 



KIIYMliS AND OTHER SCRAPS 157 

All those wlio come; where, o'er the door, 

They'll soon or later find — 
Like Dante's Spirit — this legend — 

''Here leave all liO])e Ijehind." 

We follow next his wayward steps — 

His passioris all aflame — 
But, spare me further record of 

This poor boy's sin and shame, 
And blame me not, if I offend 

Fastidious ear cr sight — 
"We have attained the sought for end" — 
IFe' re seen your boy to-night. 

Oh wonen of America! 

Shall such things alwa\^s be? 
"Is there no balm in Gilead" 

To heal such misery? 
Shall mother's tears and mother's prayers, 

And mother's ardent love 
Be always wasted— never heard — 

All unavailing prove? 

No! Shake off listless lethargy. 

Your giant power prove — 
Strike at these plague spots of the earth — 

And rescue those you love. 
Strike first at old "King Alcohol," 

Strike, each, with a Vulcan's might 
When he's subued the victor}' 's vv'on, 

Your boy'U be sate at night. 



158 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

A Tale of a Dog and Its Tail, 

Once there was a little tail 

Grew on a little clog, 
And every time that clog was pleased 

This little tail would wng, 

Tliis little tail, presumptuous grown, 

When things would not quite jog- 
To suit its little notions, 

It would try to wag the dog. 

Tiiis little tale has oft been told. 

In almost every nation; 
And's not intended as a hit 

At "Bond Repudiation." 



No Concern of Mine. 

"Bear ye one anothers burdens, and so ftdiill the 
[aw of Christ." 

When poverty and sore distress 

Your neighbor overtakes; 
Or siekness in his pleasant home 

Its horrid presence makes, ^ 

IF^^ou are happy, pass him by — 

Let this remark l)e thine — 
"I nothing for his trouble care, 

It's no concern of mine." 

Should rumor, with her "thousand tongues" 

His character assail. 
And slander, with its venomed stini>- 



RIIYMKS AND OTIII'R vSCKAPS 151) 

His lair, good name inii)cilc; 
Let not these thini^s disturb thy rest — 

Your eharaetcr's sceure — 
But let tliis thought prevade your brest — 

I'm not eoncerned I'm sure. 

Or should his daughter, fair and sweet 

By seoundrel l)e betrayed, 
With haughty mien and pious frown 

The striken girl upbraid. 
Or pass her hy in silent scorn 

Howe'er her sad thoughts pine 
O'er loss of all she held most dear — 

It's no concern of mine(?) 

Or should his wayward boy be led 

Into the paths of vice 
By comrades of the baser sort — 

When nothing will suffice 
To wean him from his devious course. 

Still let your virtues shine 
And balve your soul with this vain thought — 

"It's no concern of mine." 

In short, whatever may befall 

Your neighhor and your friend, 
As long as rot? are safe from harm 

No sympathy extend 
To lift the load of sorrow from 

His anxious troubled mind— 
And Hell will soon reveal the fact 

It \vn§ concern of thine. 



160 KIIYMBS AND OTHER vSCRAPS 

To^Morrow, 

To-morrow, the day when indolence 

Will industry pursue; 
To-morrow, the day when spendthrift pays 

The debts he owes are due. 

To-morrow, the day we make amends 

For all oiir past misdeeds: 
To-morrow, the day kind fortune sends 

Relief for all our needs. 

To-morrow, the hungry look forljread, 

The invalid, for health — 
To-iiiorrow, the maiden liopes to wed; 

The miser, to gather wealth. 

To-morrow, the day when all our woes 

Are past, or laid aside; 
To-morrow, the da_v when all our hopes 

And wants are satisfied. 

To-morrow, the day that never comes, 

To bring us joy or sorrow — 
Then live in hope — God reigns o'er all; 

And takes care of to-morrow. 

Then, let us well improve to-day — 
Nor pain nor trouble borrow — 

To-day is ours; we know not whiit's 
In store for us to-morrow. 



RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 161 

The Old City Clock, 

Hear the ''booming" of the old city clock 
As it tolls the passing hours as they Hy, 
With its hands upon the dial, taking note 
Of the minutes as they hurry swiftly b3^ 
Its "boom, boom, boom" 
Seems to be the knell of doom 
Of the hours and the minutes as they die. 

The historj^ of men and things in town, 

A quarter of a century, and more 
We could learn, could we only understand 
The meaning of the messages it bore; 
It could tell of murders, fires. 
Blasted hopes and fond desires, 
Of troubles and disasters by the score. 

It could tell again of many a noble deed. 

Of loving, faithful, helpful, outstreched hands, 
To weary, helpless, hopeless ones in need, 
In obedience to the Lord's divine commads, — 
Of souls from out the mire. 
Of temptations, strong and dire. 
Lifted up by those faithful, helpful hands. 

Of births, of happy marriages "galore," 

Of fightings, feuds, of jealousies, and hate. 
Of charit}^ and love, of friendships true, 
And man3^ deeds of kindness could relate, 
An epitome of life, 
Of its struggles, triumphs, strife, 
This garrulous old city clock could prate. 



162 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

The Dying Tramp* 

I've b:en er rovin, tbievin tramp — 

Be'n playin in hard luck 
Seiice fust I left my father's farm, 

In pleas in t ole Kaintuck, 
Whar I -war born, an growed ter be 

Er helthy country lad — 
But since I went upon ther tramp, 

I've gore all to ther bad. 

'Twas thar I uster drive the cows 

Up f'om ther blue grass field, 
An feed ther pigs an water "Ball," 

An go ter mill fur meal, 
An ketch ther fish an tra]) ther birds 

An hunt ther "cotton tail" 
An carr3^ water from the spring 

In mother's cedar pail. 

Them boyhood da^-s ar past an gone- 

They'll never cum ergin, 
Fur now I'm but er ramblin tramp. 

All smeared wid dirt an sin. 
I've bruck most ev'ry law unjail 

That man er God has made — 
Fer since I bruck my mother's heart, 

'T seems brakin's be'n my trade. 

Ther reason why I cum ter tramp 
Is told in but few words — 

I got inter bad comperney. 
An got ter playin keards— 



RHYxMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 168 

I went ter see ther bosses run— 

And bet on the rong boss, 
An robbed my father's trunk ter pay 

Ther money what I lost. 

My father druv me way f om home— 
Ah! 'twas bitter words he spoke— 
Mebbe he war right— 'know I war rong— 

But mother's heart war broke, 
An now I'm but er dyin tramp- 
Not fit ter die I know- 
Is God as piterless as man ? 
Will He no mercy show ? 

My mother, when a little chile, 

I sot upon her knee 
A fing'rin uv her purty curls, 

Said Jesus Christ luved me, 
I wonder now, if He's furgot 

That love so freely given; 
Er, if my lawless acts in life 

Will bar me out er heaven ? 

Thus mused the weary, homeless tramp, 
While lying all alone 

Upon his bed of fallen leaves, 
With none to hear his moan— 

The thoughts of childhood's happy home- 
Each tender, loving word, 

Like half forgotten melodies, 
His fading mem'r^'' stirred. 

And as he moand, a spasm shook 
His erstwhile stalwart frame— 



164 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 

A fjloss^' film stole o'er his eyes, 
His breath in short gasps came — 

With hands uplifted toward his God- 
In trembling tones he cried 

"Oh! mother, let me come to 3'Ou" — 
And so the wanderer died. 



The Bell. 

ADDRESSED TO E. T. MOORE, SUPT. IOtiI ST. METHODIST SUNDAY 
SCHOOL. 

To run a Sunday School just right. 

There are man}- things required — 
As patience and persevercnce — 

The art ''to not get tired'' — 
Pure piety is essential — 

A heart, with love o'erflowing — 
But a Bell, 3'ou cannot do without, 

If you'd keep the school a going. 

Perhaps, 'twould be as well, sometimes, 

To have the text exponded 
As 3"ou so well know how to do. 

In ''sentences well rounded^' — 
To pray devoutly for the school — 

To know the lesson well- 
All these things come in happy, 

But vou're bound to have a Bell. 



RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 165 

Then heed this admonition— 

Do'n't let the cares of life— 
Your business at the court house — 

It's struggles and it's strife, 
Make you forget your duty — 

You know it now quite well, 
But some day in the present week 

Be sure to buy a Bell. 

One whose tintinnabulations 

Shall call the Sunday School 
At once, to recitation 

And put it under rule 
Having written this reminder — 

(May it do it's office well) 
I subscribe myself, sincerely. 

Your friend, 

T. J. Camp-Bell 



Washington Ularket, 

Cor. Congress JIvenue 
and Second Street, 

Both Phones 234. John Sheehan, Prop. 



() '^ivd'^rvd '^:>®-^E:>(^^ifc>.d'^by^-%yA-^d'^t>®'^>®'^i^^'*'^^''^^^ 



Ca^rl Ma^yer, 






Diamonds, Watches, Clocks, Jewelry, Cut 
Glass, Spectacles. 

Rei)airing in all its branches. 



CARL BELISCH 

Furniture, Carpets and Stoves 

Pianos, Organs. 

The Celebrated Standard Sewing flachine. 

Houses Furnished from Kitchen to Parlor. 

All Goods Sold on Easy Payments. 



WE RENT WE CREDIT 



t 

^ WE BUY 

€ 



WE SELL ^ 

3 



WE DO ANYTHING 
TO PLEASE 

K. O. MILLER 



fQ<^,^-'^^Q<:^(^<:^Q<^Q<<^!d-'^.9<^^'<^^<:^qf<^^<^^<^^ 



<{» «<f «>«i* i» *<»}:*<>* j> i:t *:»<* i{i j» i» <f ?»<:» le^ i» «f <» i{j ^ «f i> •» <n{* ijf ^ «n!n& « » 



C. H. Page, Jn, 
Architect 

2iid Floor, 504 Coiigre^ 
Avenue. 

Austin, Texas. 



Mrs. McClure, 

One of the oldest 
and most reliable 

GROCERY 
HOUSES 

in the city, respectfully solicits 
your patronage, and guaran- 
tees to give you satisfaction in 
every respect. 



Strict attention to Business. 

HAX ARLITT 

Roofing. Guttering and General 
Job Work. 

Smoke Stacks, Ci.sterus, etc. 

PHONE 491. 

320 East Sixth Street. 

Austin, Texas. 



Office Phone 79.5. Residence 

Phone 448. 

Open Day and Night. 

Tears 4 White 

Undertakers, Embalmers and 
Funeral Directors. 

I^ocated at C14 East Sixth St. 
Austin, Texas. 



* Tom Andenson Telephone 12S ^ 

* W. F. Caldwell Free Delivery * 

% ^ndetson & Caldwell % 

* Dealers in ^ 

S Br^ Goods and Groceries, lya^, Grainand7eed ^ 

•ft G0()-r,04 East Pecan or Sixth Street. * 



Established 1884. 



Incorporated 1895 ^ 



Lone Star Ice Co., 

Daily Capacity, 100 Tons. 
Improved Absorption Process. 



« All City Business Solicited. 
% a specialty. 

* Factory Phone 119. 



Car shipments « 

Office Phone 246. « 



if,^^'li-^^i^it'^^'ti>>lli''Si'ii'^^^^^'£l'^^^^^^^^'l9'^^'^^^^'!^^^'»^'ii'^'S' 



1 COPY DEL. TO CAT. DIV. 
A^^, SO 1902 



I TA^LOTi 'BTiOS., I 



DeaLlers 
Irv '^ ^ 



Staple and Fancy Gocereis. | 



Phone 229 
211 Bast 6th Street 



6rah(itn & JIndHWS 



•4 



uadim Druggists, 



912 Cong. Jive. 
JIustin, tixas. 



JACOB WATTINGER C. P. LEDBETTER 

Associated. 



I Wattinger & Ledbetter t 

t 
General Contractors ^ 

3 and Builders t 

i t 



1 II it is in the Drug Line it is at I 

i C o r fi t£/ e I /V € 

.# . . ^ 

9 Everything pertaining to the Drug business is kept here, e 

A We make it a point to at all times have in stock just such ^ 

S articles as you would expect to find in an up-to-date ^ 

A pharmacy. Try us. CORN WELL'S Drugstore. Tel. 288 J 

^ Dealer In ^ 

^ WALL PAPER, PAINTS and OILS, | 

i White Lead, Varnishes, Window QIass ' i 

9 and Painters' Supplies. e 

^ 711 Congress Ave. Austin, Texas. ^ 

I ^^^ juhe^ Pickwick. I 

^ SAort Orders a Specialty. i 

A MEALS 25C. f 

2 Tel. 807 W. C. KERN, Prop. 607 Cong. Ave. } 

i ^ 

I J' ^ M HI'R^HFEL'D. « 

I The Clothier i 

? 613 Cong. Ave. Austin. Texas. ^ 






I Tiscbcr ^ Ldmbk, 

I Contractors. 

\ W. a SHELLEY, 

t LIFE, FIRE and 

£ ACCIDENT 

I INSURANCE AGENT 

r Gin and Farm Insurance a Specialty, 

t. Only First-class Companies Represented, 

I HUME BR.OS. 

|: Deatlers in Ca^ttle 

f and Land. 

I 105 East 9th Street. 



Alfred H. Robinson, 




Dealer In % 

« 

Feed, Coal and Wood. J 

3501 & 3503 Quadalape 5t. Phone i8a. ^ 

J. E. SHARP, I 

Contracting Painter, i 

331 W. 6th St. Austin, Texas. I 

Phone at Residence. ^ 



No matler how large, no matter how small the % 



Gtf national Bank 



I 



of JIustin, texas, J 

CapitsJ $t5O,O0O I 



Will give your banking business prompt and care- ^ 
ful attention. « 




Tor the Little Telhws... 

Our Boys and Children's department 
is complete in every detail. Bring 
your boys to us and we will clothe 
them be.ttec and for less money than 
you ever paid before. 

Smith ^ Wilcox, 

Clothing, tyats, Turnishings 
Tor Wen and Boys,.. 



For Swell Footwear, 

Go to the Leaders, 

Walk E^Z^Y Shoes for Ladies and Men, $350, 

The highest art in shoemaking. 

Butt Shoe Co., 6I2 Cong. Ave. 

J. A. Puckett, 

Dealer In 

Choice Beef, Mutton, Pork and VeaL 

Cor. 26th and Guadalupe St. 
Phone 496. 



Austin. 



Texas. 



tmmmmmmmm 



Rhyipes ■ 

■ 

J Roughly I 
Rendered i 

aLnd ■ 

j ^ Other Scraps ^ ! 

by M 

T. J. Cdcmpbell ji 

m 



TKe Lea.der in the Line 

High Grade Wall Paper ^ Painters* 
Supplies. 

Stamps or Coupons. 

C. B. Moreland, 

105-107 W. 6th St. Phon* 33». 









GEORGE FIEGEL 
Contractor and Builder, 

Stair Building a Speciaft^J^ Work of all Kinds done with 
Neatness and Dispatch. Tel 93, Office 411 Lavaca St. 
Austin, Texas. 



CHAS. S. CAT^OJV, 

Uuner and K^epairer. 

R.eslder\ce: 1612 Bracckenridge St. PKcne 958. 
Austin, ----- Texats. 






Jiustin Steam Laundry, 

B. S. Ko^m, Prop. 

Solkits )loup trade. Jill Work Buarantttd. 

m Cong- •^•"- Old Phone 955. 



W. H. STACY, I 



Loans, Fire InsuraLi\ce, i 

R.eal Estate, Surety Bonds. * 

Litten Building. Austin, Texcxs * 

* 



troff Skam Laundry, 

Georgetown, texas. % 



Tirst Class Work. Dyeing and Cleaning. | 
JIgents Wanted. Ji. 6. Koon, Prop. S 



James Ws^terson, 
Contractor and Builder, 



Avistin, Texa.s. 









i 



Tiscber & Bro,, \ 



4 

i 

I Dialers in 6r^€rit3, Tad and Cb^rc^ah ^ 
f Sptcial HtUnthn U OrdtfM f&r Cord Wood. { 

^ i 

ttl W*ft 6th Stmt. ttUph»nt 54. » 

7 



C 

m 

2 EttabUtli*! 18M. ^ 

I TIN. COPPER AND SHEET IRON WORK. 

• Plmbing and Sewer Work, Bicycle Repairing 

f and Sundries. 

m 

^ 1417 Lavaca Street. Phone 603. Austin, Tex. 

I Austin Wliite Lime Co., 

I Dea.lers In 

t Cement, Piaster, Keene's Cement, Hair, Sewer 

i Fire Bricks, Etc. 

f 415 Ctngress Ave. Telephone 294. ^ 



Library of Congress 
ranch Bindery, 1902 



